It is the chill in the air that wakes me. I pull
my senses from the haziness of sleep to realize that my skin is bare
to the early morning coolness of this planet. I drag the blankets
from the floor and back onto the bed, wrap myself in their scratchy
warmth. It is that moment that I glance up and my eyes catch on you
on the sleep couch across from me.
Your own blankets are in disarray, a testament to a restless night,
exposing swathes of skin to my eager eyes. I've seen you unclothed
often enough, Jedi are not renowned for modesty where the body is
concerned, but it is a rare occasion that I can see you without
covertly hiding my glances. I devour you with my eyes, knowing that
my eyes are the only part of me that will ever be allowed such
liberty. No matter how much we both want it to be otherwise.
Do you really think that I don't know? You may think me young and
perhaps a bit naïve, but I am not blind, just as you are not. We
both know the truth and we dance around it in an elaborate pattern
of steps and retreats.
We dance because we know the truth but we also know the consequence
of that truth and neither of us are willing to pay so much to gain
so little. A short, surely explosive, moment of utter sexual bliss
compared to years of chaste companionship. To become lovers and be
forcibly separated by the Council or to remain together as we are
now. There is no question of the choice we would make, the choice we
have -been- making.
But there are consequences of that choice as well. We pay the price
of a certain tension that surrounds us, a tension that builds and
builds until finally it must break free. Like it did last night.
It seemed so real! In my dream you touched me, you took me as I have
wanted for what seems like an aeon. If it weren't for the betraying
stickiness on my stomach, an all-too- familiar sensation, I would
swear that it -had- been real. That you had spread my body across
this uncomfortable sleep mat and poured everything that you are into
me so that we were a single being locked together by ecstasy and
love.
And oh such love, as I imagine only one such as you, someone with
such fire in his spirit, could create. I thought for just a brief
moment that I felt your love, a flame focused on me and I could have
died contentedly in the embrace of that inferno. There -is- a part
of me that would happily die, if only you would love me. And I think
you know that. Yet another reason to keep the fires banked. Such
passion is dangerous, especially to the Force-trained and must be
contained.
But it -eats- at me, a gnawing ache, knowing that the only way I can
feel your love is within the blur of dreams, dreams that slide from
my frantic grasp at the coming of the dawn. Is that not dangerous as
well? Is there not a chance that my longing will consume me?
Dreams. I look at you again, sprawled across the cushions, the lines
of your face eased by slumber, and I wonder. What dreams disturbed
you last night, to make you so unusually restless? I've often teased
you that you sleep the way you do everything, with calm precision.
The blankets neatly tucked around you at night stay that way until
morning.
A blush heats my face as I realize that it may have been my own
dream that disturbed you. We are bonded, you and I, if not how we
want to be then at least how we should be, as master and apprentice,
and my dreams could have easily leaked into yours. A lacking on my
part to be sure, you would never deliberately...
Would you?
The very thought that you might intentionally invade my dream is
somehow strangely...enticing, to have had a part of you inside me.
And a part of me responds to that thought, blood rushing to lift and
swell and in moments I have an achingly hard erection.
Do I dare? I probably only have minutes at best before you awaken
and I can hardly think of anything more embarrassing than to be
caught masturbating by you. Or more stimulating. The memory of last
night's dream teases the edge of my consciousness.
It is that memory that sweeps away the last cobwebs of my misgivings
and I wrap my hand tightly around my cock, stroking briskly. I press
the fist of my other hand against my mouth, smothering the sounds of
pleasure that threaten to escape.
I caress you with my eyes, stealing false touches of the skin that I
will never be at liberty to touch in truth.
Faster now, reaching for the peak that is coming too rapidly and my
eyes narrow as I struggle to keep them open, tracing the lines and
angles of your body. From the charming disarray of the rough silk
that is your hair to the thigh that is exposed through the sheets,
lightly dusted with dark hair, the blankets cutting off my view at
the most upper part of your leg, shielding your loins from me. Just
as well.
The tight grip of my hand as well as the thrill of apprehension, the
risk of discovery, all conspired to take me quickly to the edge of
orgasm. The heavy pressure between my legs increases almost
painfully and I arch helplessly against the sheets, struggling for
silence. As the pleasure overtakes me I bite down hard on my fist,
tasting copper warmth even as I stifle the cries that well up inside
me.
Against my best efforts my eyes finally shut and I see you only in
my mind now and is your hand on my erection, your fingers made damp
by the heated fluid spurting from my cock and I -come- in a hard
rush, an explosion of liquid heat and sensation.
I lie there, panting and trembling, and almost reflexively my still
bleeding hand reaches out against my will, as if to touch you. It
pauses, lingering there in the space between us while drops of my
blood hang from my fingertips before falling, quivering crimson
jewels suspended briefly in the air before splattering to the floor.
In the end, my fingers pull back and curl into a fist, smearing
scarlet over my hand. I rise quickly then, tearing my gaze from you
and cleaning away all evidence of my loss of control.
I dress and settle into the corner to meditate, to heal my hand
before you awaken and question me on it. Snapping my shields into
place I am again the consummate Jedi, the perfect student with my
emotions well in hand. Just as you taught me.
You will not speak of what lies between us, I know, and so neither
shall I. Whatever choices I make for myself, I will not force a
choice on you. Not now, not yet, this time I will fall back and let
the battle lines remain where the are drawn. Still, I am a Jedi and
I may retreat but I refuse to surrender.
The moment we are no longer master and apprentice, the moment that
barrier drops, I'll make my feelings known to you, out loud, not
with the veiled looks and half-hidden longing that surround us now,
and we -will- speak of this.
No matter the consequences.
-finis-
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