You are gone from me.
I always tried to listen to you, Master. As a child, a part of me
worshipped you as a God. I hung on your every word and followed you
without question. As I grew, I realized that I would have to follow
my own path and make my own decisions, that not all of your words
were law and I must choose what to accept. Still, I listened and I
learned from you.
That day in the Council chambers, I learned something else. I
listened to what you said, but I heard what you didn't say.
You wanted Anakin to be your Padawan, to train him in the ways of
the Jedi. Because he is the chosen one, he will bring balance to the
force. That is what you believe, my master, and that is what you
told the Council.
All I heard was the words underneath your words that you did not say
and surely did not mean. But I heard them regardless. You wanted
Anakin to be your apprentice.
Not me.
Over and over it echoed alongside everything you said.
Not me.
Anakin was to be your Padawan.
Not me.
Anakin was the chosen one.
Not me.
Anakin was the one you believed in, Anakin was the one you wanted to
train, Anakin was to stand by your side, not me, not me, not me!
After all our time together, all we had done, all we had been
through and you took this boy as if I had never existed, cast me
aside. After all, I'm not the chosen one, my midichlorians are well
with in the scope, and I'm not destined to bring balance. I'm only
the one who has been at your side for nearly twenty years, what is
that compared to the chosen one?
Nothing, apparently.
If I hadn't been so very caught up in my own personal despair, do
you think that perhaps I would have heard the other words underneath
your own? That having to take Anakin and, in turn release me, caused
you great pain. That if there had been another way, any way, you
would have chosen it.
If I had looked a bit deeper in your eyes then, would I have seen
then, seen your sorrow at having to make yet another sacrifice to
follow what you believed in.
But even at the end you thought of him! And I promised you, because
despite my hurt and jealousy I would still do anything for you. I
would die for you, even now. It seems that I will die for you yet,
for your beliefs.
I didn't see it, Master, how could I have been so blind! That only
at the last second, when words escaped you, that I saw it, that I
felt it. For the briefest endless time, our eyes met and I saw! I
fell into your infinity and we were one! I left the confines of my
body and truly felt the Force flow through the universe. I saw
eternity in your eyes, Master, and I understood.
And then your eyes dimmed and closed, leaving me to hold only a
body, a shell, and you were gone from me.
It was only at the end that I saw the truth. But in seeing it, I
know now that I am not alone, that you will always be here, near me,
one with the Force that surrounds me, you surround me.
You are gone from me, but still, you left me with something, Master.
Your love.
-finis-
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mailto:keelywolfe@gmail.com
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