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Moments of Clarity
by
Keelywolfe
Alone in his quarters with only a tiny bit of
artificial light from nighttime Coruscant filtering in through the
curtains, Obi-Wan Kenobi was on his bed, lying on his back and
staring up at the ceiling. His ceiling, like the walls, was painted
white and there was a spidery, barely visible crack in the paint,
running across one corner. It was the crack that he was looking at,
his eyes tracing one thin line, moving on to the next until he came
to the end, and then he retraced it, reciting the Code silently over
and over as he lay there and tried not to think.
It had been three days now since...since that night and the morning
after. Three days since his mistake. Any physical discomfort had
vanished by the end of the first day; it was his inner wounds that
wouldn't heal, that festered with an infection that he couldn't
purge. Three days, since he'd lost his master.
Oh, Qui-Gon was still there, still on Coruscant and even still in
his quarters, so far as Obi-Wan knew. But for all the comfort his
empty presence offered he might as well have left the planet and
Obi-Wan was beginning to despair that anything would ever be right
again.
Outwardly, they were polite, serene even. Lessons continued as
normal and anyone seeing them in passing would never guess that
anything was amiss. It was only when they were alone and the silence
stretched until it was unbearable and Obi-Wan would mumble a feeble
excuse and flee to the relative safety of his room, that the sense
of wrongness became apparent.
There was a shadow that was cast between them, one that circumvented
any affection or friendship or even the more sterile
master/apprentice bond. A barrier that Obi-Wan didn't know how to
breach, as he was part of its cause.
For the most part Obi-Wan had been desperately ignoring it, as if by
denying its existence then perhaps it would eventually disappear.
For the past three days he had been exhausting himself, trying to be
as perfect as he possibly could, anticipating anything his Master
needed, excelling in all his training exercises.
He might as well not have bothered for all that Qui-Gon noticed. His
master wasn't truly cold or cruel; he was just...distant. When he
spoke his words had a vague, detached sound to them, as if he was
unaware that he was even speaking.
It was strangely unnerving for Obi-Wan to hear Qui-Gon this way.
Obi- Wan had become so agitated in his master's presence that the
previous morning he had managed to spill an entire cup of steaming
hot tea directly onto Qui-Gon's lap. Horrified words of apology had
died away, unspoken, when Qui-Gon hardly seemed to notice. He had
simply stood and gone to change his clothes, almost absently, as if
he didn't even feel the burn that Obi-Wan knew the tea must have
caused.
Lying here in the dark, alone, Obi-wan was truly afraid in a way he
had not been in a very long time. Afraid that maybe, just maybe,
this injury could not be healed.
But fear leads to anger...he chanted silently, staring determinedly
up at the white ceiling, already resolving to redouble his efforts
tomorrow. He had caused this and he was going to fix it, no matter
what it took.
Snagging a lunch tray in passing, Thian walked quickly towards the
corner table where he was delighted to see his friend already
sitting.
His teaching schedule had kept him too busy to see Obi-Wan for the
past couple of days but that was all right. Obi-Wan had probably
been keeping quite busy too, he thought with a private smirk.
Setting his tray on the table, Thian opened his mouth but his words
of greeting faded into silence as he got a good look at his friend.
Obi-Wan hadn't even attempted to contact Thian these past few days,
but Thian hadn't worried much. Thian had rather assumed that he and
Qui-Gon had gone back to their rooms and had been fucking like
minks, all other concerns and people forgotten. Not that Thian could
blame them.
One look at Obi-Wan, however, made it clear that this was not the
case. There was an ashen quality to his face and his eyes had a
bruised look to them that spoke of a lack of sleep.
Obi-Wan threw him a questioning look and Thian realized he was still
standing and was actually gaping at his friend. He shut his mouth
with a click and quickly settled into his chair, giving Obi-Wan a
brilliant smile.
"Hey, Obi, how are you doing?" he asked brightly, flashing another
100- watt smile, trying to cover his earlier gaffe.
"I'm fine." Obi-Wan continued to eat calmly, as if he wasn't sitting
there looking pale as death.
Like hell you are. "Really?" Thian replied, all polite
interest. "And how is Master Qui-Gon doing?"
Obi-Wan's fork stopped midway to his mouth. He set it carefully on
his plate before looking up at his friend seriously. "Thian, don't."
"Obi-Wan, what is going on?" Dropping all pretenses, Thian reached
over and touched his friend's hand, starting when Obi-Wan flinched
away. "Obi-Wan, talk to me," he urged softly.
"Thian, I can deal with this myself." Thian's eyes widened at
Obi-Wan's sharp words and Obi-Wan made an effort to soften his tone.
"It's my problem, not yours."
Before Thian could protest that this was very much his problem,
Obi-Wan leaned forward and said softly, urgently, "Thian, I mean it.
Let it go. We've caused quite enough trouble with this. I just want
to forget it ever happened. All right?"
In truth, that was the last thing that Thian intended to do but at
the moment he simply nodded agreement. "If that's what you want,
Obi. I won't mention it to you again."
"Thank you." He gave Thian a weak smile, "You did say that if I blew
it, it would be my ass on the line." Then his expression grew
serious again he was quiet a long moment before asking softly,
"Thian, just one thing. That morning after he...afterward. What did
he say to you? He whispered something that I couldn't hear, what did
he say?"
Thian blinked, hesitating, but something about his friend's eyes
made him answer "He said for me not to worry. He said that
everything would be all right."
Obi-Wan's eyes dulled. Thian saw it with a growing sense of
uneasiness just before his friend closed his eyes and stood.
"Again, thank you. I have to get to class, Thi, I'll talk to you
later." He turned and walked quickly away and Thian watched him, his
own food forgotten.
"Yes, we most definitely will be talking later," he said under his
breath, "and until then, there is someone else I'd like to have a
conversation with as well." He'd only promised he wouldn't talk
about it with Obi-Wan, after all.
In his quarters, Qui-Gon was on the room monitor researching the
political status of the planet Naloone, where had already been
informed that he and Obi-Wan would be sent after their vacation was
over.
Obi-Wan. Where was that boy? Qui-Gon didn't know; he wasn't in their
quarters, had he sent him on an errand? No, wait, Obi-Wan was taking
a few classes while they were on Coruscant. Qui-Gon had simply
forgotten. He was simply forgetting a lot of things lately and that
worried him a little, but not much. Things would be better when they
finally got back to work.
Still, there was a tiny ache inside him when he thought of Obi-Wan.
A tiny ache deep within that he was resolutely ignoring.
Qui-Gon vaguely heard something and it took him a moment to realize
that someone was pounding on the door and had been for some time now
but getting up seemed to be far too much effort.
"It's open," he called and the door clicked. A moment later the last
person on Coruscant that Qui-Gon wanted to see walked into his
living room. He spared a glance at the young man and then ignored
him.
"What is going on!" Thian burst out, radiating anger.
Qui-Gon didn't even turn around, focusing his attention on the
screen in front of him. "You should remember your place, Padawan
B'lain."
"Fuck my 'place'," he snapped, "I think we're all far beyond that.
And I asked you a question! Obi-Wan is walking around looking like
he hasn't slept in days and..." he paused, his eyes narrowing as he
really looked at the Jedi master. "And you don't look that great
either."
Thian flopped down on the sofa, glaring at Qui-Gon's back. "I don't
understand this," he said softly, almost speaking to himself. "You
said that everything would be all right. I really thought you cared
about him or I would never...Force, this is all my fault."
He rubbed his temples tiredly. "Look, I don't know what happened or
what Obi-Wan told you, but..." Thian took a deep breath. This was
entirely his fault, he knew, the very least he could do was try to
set it right. "It was all my idea," he blurted out.
No response and he hastily continued. "I mean, I knew that Obi had
been pining after you for a long time and I thought that maybe if
you had something to be a little jealous of you might, well, you
know. So I persuaded him into having sex with me where we knew you'd
be able to feel it."
"We didn't expect you to watch, that was kind of a bonus. But it
also made Obi-Wan think that maybe he had a chance and then...things
just sort of escalated. We didn't mean to...next time I'll just keep
my big mouth shut." Thian rubbed his eyes wearily, smearing wetness
that he refused to acknowledge. Qui-Gon was sitting statue-still at
the monitor, obviously listening but giving no sign of his thoughts.
"I was wrong, wasn't I?" Very quietly, sadly. "You really don't care
about him. If you did you wouldn't be treating him this way."
"And how would you have me treat him!" It was like an explosion;
Qui- Gon stood quickly enough to knock his chair backwards, stalking
over to tower over Thian, who was still sitting on the sofa. Thian
flinched but didn't back down. He stared defiantly at the so
abruptly enraged man before him.
Qui-Gon backed down first, raking his fingers painfully hard through
his hair. "How am I suppose to treat him? He -used- me to get what
he wanted with no concern at all for my feelings. Should I be
pleased? Perhaps you would like for me to offer him praise because
he could so easily trick a full Master, is that it?"
He was close to shouting now, radiating anger and betrayal of a
magnitude that Thian had never felt before. "He manipulated me just
like..." Qui-Gon pulled up short on those words, abruptly reeling
his wayward emotions inward and completely closing himself off.
Thian's expression was one of utter shock. "Are you even listening
to yourself?" he whispered, his wide eyes never leaving Qui-Gon's
still form. Qui-Gon had wrapped his arms around himself and turned
away, not looking at the young man. "Used you? Manipulated you?
Didn't you hear a word I said? For some reason that I can't
understand at this particular moment, Obi-Wan loves you."
Qui-Gon's entire body stiffened at those words and he turned to look
at Thian silently.
"He acts as if Coruscant revolves around you, for Force's sake! He
may have manipulated you a tiny bit but no one made you come to me
and certainly no one made you stay." Qui-Gon's face tightened at
that bit of truth but he said nothing. "This isn't even about
Obi-Wan," he said with dawning awareness, "Is it?" No reply and
Thian could have growled in frustration. "Look, I don't know who or
what this is all about and I really don't care. All I'm worried
about right at this moment is Obi- Wan. I -do- care about him and so
do you," he paused, then added softly, "At least I thought you did,"
and felt a bit of mean satisfaction at Qui-Gon's sudden flinch but
quickly set it aside. His personal feelings of anger over Qui-Gon's
betrayal would have to be dealt with later.
"He's hurting, Master Qui-Gon." His voice was gentle now,
persuading. "Really and truly hurting. I mean, look at him when he
comes home...just really look at him. I think," he hesitated and
then plunged on, "I think you owe him that much. Don't you?" Thian
looked at Qui-Gon's face searchingly, trying to find even a trace of
the warmth that he knew was buried under his hard demeanor.
Something flickered in Qui-Gon's eyes before he closed them. "All
right," he said quietly.
That would have to be enough. Thian bowed low to the Master,
reassuming the mantle of Jedi apprentice and Qui-Gon returned the
bow. Without another word or glance Thian turned and walked out the
door, feeling as if he needed to sleep for perhaps a hundred years.
And he wasn't even really a part of this and he never had been, he
knew that. Despite what he had done and what he had allowed to be
done to and with him, a part of Thian had always been standing
outside of this like, a silent observer, and now he was relieved to
finally be allowed an escape.
He'd done all he could, Thian decided tiredly, and more than could
really be expected of him, and he walked on, determined to find
first his quarters and then his bed despite the early hour.
Qui-Gon remained standing where Thian had left him. His eyes tripped
idly over the room. It was spotless; Obi-Wan had taken to tidying up
several times a day, going out of his way to do as Qui-Gon said and
what he hadn't said as well.
Trying to make amends, Qui-Gon realized suddenly and the thought
started the tiny ache within him throbbing. He pushed it back down,
hard. As well that Obi-Wan should be, came the nearly savage
thought, this was his fault. Obi-Wan wasn't the one who had been
deceived, Obi- Wan was the one who had lied and manipulated just
like...
Just like Xanatos.
When had he started comparing Obi-Wan to Xanatos? Obi-Wan was
nothing like Xanatos, nothing. Where Xanatos had been selfish,
Obi-Wan was compassionate. Xanatos had been boastful and egotistical
while Obi-Wan had a calm confidence that came from knowing his
limits and respecting them. Obi-Wan was loyal almost to a fault to
what he believed in. Qui- Gon doubted that Xanatos had ever believed
in anything but himself. Comparing the two was like comparing a weed
to a century bloom. But that was just what he'd done.
He stumbled backwards in a daze to lean against the wall, almost
falling. Some part of his mind was begging for him to stop, to not
think about this, that Xanatos was long ago and need not be
remembered. Qui-Gon ignored it, he had been hiding from this, from
himself, for days but now that he had freed his thoughts they
wouldn't be held back, tumbling out in a blur of memory and
realization. He'd thought that he'd put Xanatos far behind him and
only now did he see how wrong he was.
Qui-Gon forced himself to remember that night with Obi-Wan and
Thian. On some level he'd known it was Obi-Wan from the beginning.
Of course he'd known. He knew his Padawan's Force signature as well
as he knew his own. He just wouldn't allow himself to believe, had
convinced himself for a time that it was a stranger that he was
touching and taking such pleasure in.
Because if he admitted it was Obi-Wan then he would have to admit
that he did want the young man and such wanting between people who
were already close could change into something else. The heat of
passion and tenderness sometimes melted into something more
permanent. Sometimes it could shift and metamorphose into love. And
love he wouldn't risk no matter how much he wanted Obi-Wan, not that
kind of love. Because that love hurt.
Xanatos had taught him that.
He remembered the warm contentment he'd felt when he had awoken with
Obi-Wan in his arms. He had been at peace then, still sleepy and
more than a little in love already. Until he'd had a chance to think
and then ugliness had risen in him, reminding him of another boy he
had trusted.
Is that why he had made Obi-Wan watch him with Thian? To punish him?
Qui-Gon remembered his inner pleasure at Obi-Wan's anger and
jealousy. He had -wanted- Obi-Wan to be jealous. Why?
He pushed away from the wall, pacing restlessly around the room. He
didn't want to think about this anymore. He wanted to just set it
aside as he had been, into a dark little corner of his mind where he
could ignore it. But his thoughts wouldn't leave it alone. They
picked at it like a scab until it was again bleeding and forced him
to see the obvious.
He had wanted Obi-Wan to be jealous because Xanatos hadn't been.
Because if Obi-Wan had been then maybe Obi-Wan might really loved
him.
But Obi-Wan didn't love him, he'd said so, he'd said that he had
only wanted him, it had only been sex and he'd laughed. No, no that
had been Xanatos. Xanatos had told him not to be such a fool, that
it was just sex, not Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan hadn't laughed at him, Obi-Wan
hadn't hurt him, but Xanatos had. And Qui-Gon had been unable to
hide his shame and pain and Xanatos had laughed and laughed and
Qui-Gon had just wanted to hurt him, to punish him somehow, to just
make him stop and if all Xanatos had wanted was sex then that was
what he would get. No, that was wrong, he hadn't punished Xanatos.
Xanatos had left. He had punished...
He had punished Obi-Wan.
Qui-Gon stopped pacing abruptly, standing perfectly still in the
center of the room. Long minutes passed as he just stood there with
that one realization echoing through his head again and again. Then
he raised his trembling hands up to his face and the spell was
broken. What had he done?
He had been right. That kind of love did hurt and it was not a
lesson that he had ever wanted to pass on. But he had. Memories of
that morning days before came back to him and he covered his face
with his hands in despair. By the Force, what had he done?
The walk back to his quarters always seemed longer to Obi-Wan after
a long workout but today he didn't really mind. In fact, he was very
nearly dawdling, drawing out the walk as long as he could. Qui-Gon
would be home by now and tonight would be another endless evening of
silence and discomfort as they both hid behind the distance that was
growing between them.
The door to their quarters finally appeared before him and Obi-Wan
hesitated in front of it, then leaned against it, resting his
forehead against the cool metal.
This wasn't working, he admitted silently. He couldn't keep up this
pretense any longer. One of them was going to have break the silence
and it didn't look like it was going to be Qui-Gon.
They were going to have a long talk tonight, Obi-Wan decided with
sudden determination, and if they couldn't deal with this then he
would ask Qui-Gon to have him assigned to another master. The very
thought made his eyes burn but it might be better for both of them.
He made himself open the door and walk in and found his Master
standing in the middle of the room. Shields completely gone, he was
radiating a kind of misery that Obi-Wan had never felt from him,
never even thought his master could feel.
He stood awkwardly in the doorway, unsure as to whether he should go
or stay. The decision was taken from his hands when Qui-Gon spoke,
the words muffled by his hands.
"Padawan, please come in." A hesitation and Qui-Gon lowered his
hands, looking at Obi-Wan with reddened eyes. "I think it's past
time that we talked."
Obi-Wan wet his lips and nearly spoke but words wouldn't come.
Instead, he nodded and walked into the living area, sitting down on
the sofa. He waited for Qui-Gon to take the chair next to him and
was startled when he instead knelt down at Obi-Wan's feet. He took
one of Obi-Wan's hands and held it between both of his own, looking
up at his Padawan so seriously that Obi-Wan felt a horrible stab of
fear that perhaps Qui- Gon had already decided they should separate.
I can deal with that, he told himself, I can deal with it if he have
to, but already it hurt more than Obi-Wan could have explained and
he knew that this pain was just the beginning. Braced as he was for
his master's words he still couldn't contain his shock when they
came.
"I feel as if I have done such a...a grave injury to you that to
apologize or even to beg for your forgiveness would be the worst of
insults."
Obi-Wan gaped at him openly but when he would have spoken, Qui-Gon
interrupted. "No, please, Obi-Wan, let me finish. I can't excuse my
actions; nothing could do that, but at the very least you deserve an
explanation." He gave a short, harsh laugh. "You deserve more than
that but I'm afraid an explanation is all I can offer. Will you
allow me that?" Deep blue eyes searched Obi-Wan's face and he nodded
slowly, unsure as to why his master was doing this but wanting to
hear all the same.
Qui-Gon took a deep breath and then gave his Padawan something that
he had never before offered. Layer by layer, he slowly lowered every
mental shield that he had and allowed Obi-Wan complete access to his
memories. The young man's mind touch was tentative at first and the
warm/spicy/sweet sense that was Obi-Wan slowly filled him. Qui-Gon
opened up his memories, wincing at the old pain in spite of himself
as he showed Obi-Wan...
...Xanatos, smiling, laying a hand on Qui-Gon's arm and looking at
him with a shy, nearly flirtatious smile that Qui-Gon pretended not
to see...
...Xanatos, kissing, coaxing, touching. Qui-Gon and Xanatos coupling
frantically, slowly, on Coruscant, on missions...
...Xanatos laughing, shaking with laughter, nearly screaming with it
as he wonders aloud how anyone could have assumed that it was more
than just sex. Qui-Gon stares at him, his face white and still as he
watches Xanatos laugh and laugh...
...Xanatos, face distorted with rage, screaming, every bitter word
like a dull blade but Qui-Gon remains impassive, not allowing
Xanatos access to his pain, never again...
And then it was over and Obi-Wan reeled back into his own mind,
shocked at what he had seen. The pain from Qui-Gon's memories
mingled with his pain from the past days and left Obi-Wan
speechless, able to do little more than breathe as he struggled to
understand this. It was Qui-Gon who finally broke the silence.
"I really loved him." Spoken so softly, hardly more than Qui-Gon's
lips moving but Obi-Wan heard it as if it were a shout. Before he
could say anything Qui-Gon shook his head with a bitter laugh. "No,
that's not true, I loved who I thought he was."
"He used you." Suddenly Qui-Gon's reaction to what Obi-Wan had done
made a great deal more sense and Obi-Wan wanted to cringe inwardly.
He had done almost exactly the same thing Xanatos had done, no
wonder Qui- Gon had been so angry, so hurt. They were both still
completely opened to each other, emotions laid bare and Qui-Gon
caught that thought before Obi-Wan even thought to shield it.
"No! No, Obi-Wan, it was nothing like Xanatos. It wasn't right but
it was not like that." He reached up and cupped Obi-Wan's cheek and
the young man leaned into the touch, eyes locked on his master's.
"Xanatos was nothing that he appeared to be. He used me because he
wanted power over me. I knew that wasn't what you had done, I -knew-
it and what I did to you..."
He didn't cry. Only one damp line traced a path down his cheek but
it seemed to Obi-Wan that every word his master spoke had been a
tear. A tear for what he had believed, for what he'd lost, for what
he'd done and Obi-Wan couldn't listen anymore to that kind of
weeping. He pressed a gentle finger against Qui-Gon's lips,
silencing him.
Qui-Gon shook it off. "No, I need to say this." He laughed again, a
tight, pained sound that made something within Obi-Wan twist
sharply. "It's ironic, I was so upset about what Xanatos had done to
me and then I turn around and do something worse to you."
Obi-Wan shook his head, needing to say -something-. "Master, it
wasn't like that."
"Wasn't it?" Skepticism shadowed with shame and pain showed on Qui-
Gon's face. "I think it was. I forced you into something and ignored
the fact that you didn't really want it."
Obi-Wan was near tears himself now. "Master, I could have stopped
you. I could have. I -should- have. I just thought..." He broke off,
strangling on the words.
"What? You thought what?" Very softly, seriously. "You thought you
had to do what I told you because I am your master." Obi-Wan said
nothing and Qui-Gon closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"Obi-Wan, I realize that I am too late in saying this but you never
have to accept anything like that, not even from me."
Obi-Wan shook his head, words refusing to come. That hadn't been it,
not all of it. He'd just thought if he did as Qui-Gon asked then
maybe everything would be all right and they could at least go back
to the way they had been before. It seemed that he had been wrong
again.
"Stop that!" Obi-Wan flinched at Qui-Gon's near shout and Qui-Gon
shook him gently. "Would you stop blaming yourself for this? I'm as
much to blame or more so than you."
They were both shaking by now, and Qui-Gon raised a hand again to
his face, noting vaguely that it was trembling, and massaged his
temples. How was he to set this right?
"Master?" Then a firmer tone, "Qui-Gon? I think, no, I -know- that
we've both behaved very badly over the past few days and that my
manipulating you pushed you into doing...what you did." Qui-Gon
started to protest but Obi-Wan cut him off. "You had your say,
dammit, now let me have mine!" Qui-Gon fell silent, waiting, and
Obi-wan continued, slowly. "I think we both need some time to deal
with this. It's still too fresh in our minds. Am I making sense?"
Qui-Gon nodded slightly and Obi-Wan smiled then, weakly, but a smile
nonetheless. "I just...I don't want to give up on this, I don't want
to lose you."
"I don't want to lose you either, Padawan." Hoarsely, and Qui-Gon
swallowed thickly, fighting back tears again when Obi-Wan leaned
down and hesitantly wrapped his arms around Qui-Gon's shoulders. He
slid his own arms around Obi-Wan's waist and pressed his face
against his Padawan's tunics and finally gave in, letting the tears
flow silently to be absorbed in the thick fabric and if Obi-Wan
noticed he was kind enough not to say.
-finis-
Comments and questions to:
mailto:keelywolfe@gmail.com
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