Title: Instamatics 8/5/00 1/1, #47
Guest Author: kimberlite
Archive: Please ask.
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Todd Haynes, Miramax, etc.
Feedback: Please, to kimberlite@cox.net
Notes: Many thanks to Alex for encouragement and beta, and for letting me frolic in her playground.

I've never liked blokes that way. Never really even thought much about it until I started playing with Brian -- music, that is. I've always wanted to play guitar and Brian had it -- whatever 'it' is. When I first met him, he shone like the star he knew he should be, and I was hooked, drawn in. I wanted to stand next to him on stage and bask in his radiance. When he created his glittery image, I just laughed
along with the rest of the band and dressed up. It was just an image, after all, just a trend that would catch on and then fade -- no big deal.

But then came Curt.

Seeing them together changed something for me. I started to recognize how beautiful they were, how they complemented each other. I saw them become everything to each other -- bandmates, best mates, lovers. And I wondered what it would be like to be with someone that way.

It's not like I didn't try, but there's a huge difference between shagging a bird so she can brag to her friends or rolling around with the gang at a party while everyone's wasted, and the kind of quietly intense emotion I felt from Curt and Brian. In the face of such depth and strength, the things I did just didn't count for anything.

I think I was jealous.

I'm not sure when, exactly, my interest turned to fascination, to obsession. I watched them whenever we were together, actively sought them out. I flirted with them on stage. While it was clear they were together, they were affectionate but never intimate at parties, always retiring early to the their rooms. I dreamt about them together, details vague and blurred by my inexperience. That was the funny part -- I was captivated by them, but I always saw them together, never with me.

I fantasized about how they would look in sleep, naked and holding each other close. I wondered what they said to each other in the heat of passion, in the privacy of their rooms. I imagined Brian on his knees sucking Curt, not a guitar.

I was completely distracted by my need.

Then the most amazing thing happened. During the encore to a show, Brian stalked across the stage toward Curt, but detoured, at the last minute, to me. Curt drifted over, sandwiching me between them. Brian's hand stroked my chest, Curt close enough behind me that I could feel his heat. I caught my breath at the look of raw desire on Brian's face -- for Curt or for me or for both of us, I couldn't tell.

We came off stage, sweaty and hyped as always. But this time was different. Brian was immediately swarmed by people, each wanting something from him, but Curt pushed through them, dragging Brian in his wake. I trailed behind them, unsure if what had happened on stage had meant anything.

Curt waved me into their dressing room, then smiled that feral smile of his as he shut the door in the face of several hangers on, locking it decisively. I stood in the center of the room, motionless. Torn between looking at Brian or Curt, I stared straight ahead. I was breathing hard, excited and scared by the energy I felt swirling around the room.

I'm sure my apprehension was obvious.

Curt and Brian met in front of me. They embraced tightly, kissing passionately while unselfconsciously rubbing against each other, slinky and sinuous and extremely sexy. Watching them touch each other made me hard.

After another moment, they pulled apart slightly, hands still holding each other's hips, smiling and panting with need. Brian gave me a searing look as Curt asked, "Want to join us or just watch?" They seemed amenable to either answer.

I closed my eyes briefly, trying to believe this was actually happening. Finally I managed to croak, "Watch."

Curt nodded, seeming to understand. "Okay, man."

Brian gave me an incredibly stunning smile before beginning to remove his costume. Next to him, Curt stripped quickly and easily, with a casualness that made me shiver. Their bodies were revealed to my hungry gaze, and I took in their sculpted, muscular beauty. The sheen of sweat made their skin glow and glisten, warm and alive. They were gorgeous.

I desperately wanted to see them touch each other. When Brian dropped to his knees and took Curt's impressive cock into his mouth I tensed and stifled a groan. I could see Brian's tongue flicking the head of Curt's cock teasingly. Curt tangled his hands in Brian's hair and threw his head back, glorying in the pleasure of Brian's touch.

Unconsciously, my hand moved to my pants, cupping myself as I watched Brian suck Curt. I could hear my breath, harsh and fast, feel the blood pounding in my veins. Brian on his knees was incredibly erotic. He was always so in control, the superstar, that seeing him in the submissive role seemed even more intense.

Curt tugged Brian to his feet, caressing his ass, nipping his lips. "I want you." Curt's gravely voice reached my ears as he walked Brian over to the make-up-covered dressing table. Curt gave Brian a final kiss, sucking that exquisite lower lip between his teeth, nibbling lightly.

I moved closer to them as Brian turned and bent down, bracing his hands on the table, spreading his legs. I stepped a little to the side so I could see both of them. Curt coated his cock with lotion, then traced circles around Brian's opening. A sharp jolt of pleasure coursed through me as Curt penetrated Brian with two fingers, drawing a moan from him. I looked into the mirror, seeing Brian's expression of
rapture.

It was reassuring to see Brian enjoying Curt's possession. While knowing the mechanics of gay sex, I had always shied away from thinking about it too closely. It sounded messy and painful and I wasn't quite sure why I found the thought of these particular men engaged in such activity so hot. Seeing Curt now, knowing that Brian was going to take Curt inside himself, made my knees weak and my body tremble.

Curt removed his fingers and placed his cock against Brian. I watched as he pushed steadily, sliding up Brian's ass. Curt groaned his pleasure, hands clutching at Brian's hips, imprinting himself on Brian. I could identify with Curt, the taker, enveloped in the heat of Brian's body.

In the mirror, I saw both of them, Curt behind Brian, thrusting slowly. My breath caught at the look of absolute wonder on Brian's face. While he had gasped as Curt first entered him, he accepted Curt into himself with a joy that made him look younger and more carefree than I've ever seen him. It was obvious that he was soaring with Curt.

My gaze shifted back to their joined bodies, fascinated by the sight of Curt pulling out and thrusting back into Brian. Curt set a hard pace, and I went along with their rhythm, undoing my pants and stroking my erection in time with them. My excitement was enhanced by the grunts and moans that rose in the air, calling to me to join in. I bit my lip, nostrils flaring as the scent of sweat and sex washed over me.

Curt's hand wrapped around Brian's cock, pumping, squeezing. Kissing Brian's shoulder blades, Curt trailed up to his neck. Between nibbles and licks, Curt chanted a litany of curses and endearments, goading Brian, demanding surrender, staking his claim.

For the first time since the show, Brian spoke, crying out in his passion. "Curt!" It was surrender, strength, freedom, life, love.

I was right there with them, pulsing as I came over my hand. It was shattering, incredibly earth-shattering.

I managed to close my pants, restoring some order to my clothes. I felt drained but elated, sure I would open my eyes to find this a dream.

Curt rested his head on Brian's back, stroking Brian's chest, rubbing semen into sweat-slicked skin. Finally Curt pulled back, slipping out of Brian and then turning him so they could embrace. The kiss they shared was gentle, expressing a depth of emotion I reveled in vicariously.

They turned and reached out their hands to me. Stunned, I instinctively stepped forward, allowing them to slide their arms around me in a three-way hug. My arms went around their waists, carefully stroking the warm, smooth skin beneath my shaking hands.

Curt leaned in slowly, giving me every opportunity to stop him. I couldn't refuse him. His lips were soft and wet, his tongue pushing into my mouth, tasting, exploring. I think I moaned, overwhelmed by the reality of the moment. Curt pulled back only to be replaced by Brian. I took his lush lower lip between my lips, running my tongue along it before opening my mouth to his kiss.

We stood together, smiling contentedly, sated.

Before the feelings became awkward, I released them, moving to the door. Looking back at them, naked and holding each other, I realized that they had shared their love, given me a tiny taste of what it felt like to truly connect with another. "Thanks." I knew it sounded inadequate, but I hoped they would see the appreciation in my eyes.

They smiled and Curt nodded in acknowledgement. "You're welcome."

I turned to unlock the door. Brian's voice drifted over me before I slipped out of the dressing room. "You're welcome to join us again, Trevor."

I shut the door behind me, leaning against it for a moment before straightening and heading out.

Maybe sometime the situation will be right and I can accept their invitation. But for now, I want to replay this moment and remember the feelings between the two of them.