Title: To Open Any Frozen Doors
Author: kimberlite
Pairing: Curt/Brian
Rating: NC-17
Archive: Please ask.
Disclaimer: These beautiful boys belong to Todd Haynes, not me.
Thank you: To Alex, as always, for encouragement and beta.
Notes: This fic was originally published in Waldo's zine "Exceedingly Partial to the Practice."
Summary: Curt meets Brian and stuff happens.
Feedback: Yes, please, to kimberlite@cox.net

To Open Any Frozen Doors

Curt returned to consciousness to find himself face down on the ground. He tried to move, but stilled with a groan as his body protested immediat ely. His head wasn't in any better shape. He couldn't remember where he was or how he had gotten here. After several deep, calming breaths, Cur t slowly turned until he was lying on his back, staring up into clouds ti nted with the rosy dawn.

A careful scan of his surroundings convinced Curt that he was in an out o f the way area of Central Park. It would certainly explain the grass and dirt, but not how the hell he had gotten here. Curt was aware that he f elt bruised and achy all over. His lower lip felt puffy and he tasted bl ood in his mouth. He tried to sit up. Sharp pains in his stomach and as s competed with a wash of dizziness and threatening nausea to return him to a horizontal position.

Curt lay still, trying desperately not to hear what his body was telling him about the night he couldn't remember. Yet, somehow, not remembering what had happened was worse than knowing for sure. He searched back, try ing to reconstruct the evening. He had been playing at a club, a somewha t unusual occurrence lately. His manager had dropped him a couple months ago, saying he was a bad risk, that he was too self-destructive and his heroin addiction would get him killed one way or another. Since then, Cu rt had drifted with the currents of the City's nightlife, taking advantag e of his localized fame to provide for his essential need.

In fact, it seemed that his main concern these days was finding his next fix. When he had first started shooting up, the rush had been incredible For a time, the pain of his past, his feelings of worthlessness, all his negative emotions had been dampened. He had felt free. But, as his body became accustomed to the drug, he needed more and more to attain th at level of freedom. Eventually, Curt had reached the stage where he nee ded heroin to simply not feel bad. He had been surprised to find himself shaky and sweating the few times he hadn't gotten a dose soon enough. H is salvation had changed into destruction all too quickly.

So, last night he had been playing, hoping to find someone with a connect ion, someone who would feed his need. And he had, hadn't he? He remembe red being hyped on adrenaline after the show, going out into the crowd to bask in their adoration and take their offerings like he was some fuckin g pagan god. Someone had suggested they take the party elsewhere, and Cu rt had followed without question, drawn by the promise of getting what he craved. Only apparently, it hadn't worked out that way. Try as he migh t, Curt couldn't piece together the details.

Suddenly, Curt felt his stomach rebel, and he barely had time to drag him self to his knees before he was puking his guts out onto the grass. Gasp ing, dizzy and shaken, Curt felt all the sharp pains in his body clamorin g for attention. He felt like fucking hell. He needed to get out of the re, go hide in his tiny apartment and lick his wounds, decide what to do with the mess his life had become.

First things first, how was he going to get home? Searching his pockets, Curt discovered, not to his surprise, that the money he'd been paid for the gig was gone. Well a taxi was out, then. He'd just have to make it to the subway. Jumping the turnstiles had never been a problem before, b ut in his current condition it might prove something of a challenge. He guessed he could always crawl under them. Somehow, that image fit perfec tly with the level to which his existence had sunk.

*****

By that afternoon, Curt had managed to make it home and clean up a bit. He discovered that he was bruised from head to toe, inside and out -- wha t a fucking great party. He was disgusted with himself, that he had put himself into a situation like this where he was completely out of control of his own body. To make matters worse, his need for heroin was despera te. He was being plagued by chills and nausea, he was restless and in pa in. His life had really gotten totally fucking unacceptable.

Curt recognized that he had to make a choice. He could do whatever it to ok to get heroin -- beg, steal, sell himself, whatever necessary, or he c ould fight back, get his act together and move on. As much as he hated d octors and hospitals, he forced himself to find a clinic, answer their in trusive questions, and get on methadone.

*****

Six weeks later, Curt's life took another major turn when he met Brian Sl ade. The initial meeting at Max's club was not auspicious. Even knowing alcohol didn't mix well with the methadone, he had had too much to drink and wasn't feeling good. Then he had passed out after shaking Brian's h and.

The next morning he had been awaken by a phone call asking him to meet wi th Brian and his manager, Jerry Devine. Amazed that Brian would pursue h im, Curt had agreed to show up.

Jerry had been way too wordy, but Brian had stated his desire simply -- h e wanted Curt to go to London with him and cut a record. With an almost innocent eagerness, Brian had wanted to know what they could do to help h im. The simple truth was that Curt needed everything. It hadn't taken a moment's consideration to respond to the desire he saw in Brian and acce pt the offered help. Curt had felt the attraction between them immediate ly, and he had let Brian know he was aware of it and willing to make Bria n his "main man." From the look in Brian's eyes, Curt felt they had alre ady made a connection.

Curt and Brian spent the afternoon in Brian's hotel room, playing music a nd getting to know each other. Curt found out very quickly that although Brian had seemed somewhat soft-spoken in public, when it came to music, he had his own ideas and unique style. It was a pleasant surprise to fin d that his own music personality complemented Brian's nicely. They seeme d to feed off each other's creative energy.

They took a break, ordered room service, and ate together, lounging in ov erstuffed chairs and brainstorming ideas for the upcoming album. Every n ow and then, Brian wrote notes on lyrics and chord progressions in his so ng notebook.

The day had been wonderfully relaxed and comfortable, but as the evening got later, Curt began to get nervous. In his experience, the next logica l step was to fuck. Although he hadn't slept with anyone since waking up in the park, sex was certainly no mystery to him, and he hated suddenly feeling like a frightened virgin. He liked Brian and wanted to make the album. It seemed incredibly obvious to him that sex would be payment for Brian's help.

Figuring he'd feel better if he stopped thinking about it and just did it , Curt made the first move, dropping to his knees in front of Brian and r unning his hands up and down Brian's legs. Without looking up, Curt move d between Brian's legs and reached to undo Brian's pants. He was oblivio us to his surroundings as he fondled Brian's cock with his hands and then his mouth. He noted absently that Brian was definitely responding to hi m. However, it took him some time to realize that Brian's hands in his h air were not trying to direct his movements, but trying to get his attent ion.

Slowly Curt pulled back, lips glistening, and looked up at Brian question ingly. To his surprise, Brian looked flustered and uncertain. Had he mi sread Brian's interest that badly? He didn't think so, but something was definitely wrong. "What's the matter?" Curt asked.

One of Brian's hands gently pushed Curt's hair back from his face. "You surprised me, that's all. I didn't expect you to want to be with me so q uickly. I thought we could get to know each other better first." What B rian didn't say was that he was already in love with Curt, and hoped that , given time, Curt would fall in love with him, too.

Curt looked blankly at Brian for a moment, then turned his head to kiss B rian's palm. "But you are going to do so much for me, I want to do somet hing for you, too. Don't you want me?"

Smiling slightly, Brian looked into Curt's smudged-eyeliner-ringed eyes. "Oh, I want you all right, that's not the problem. I just don't want yo u to feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do."

Curt's mouth opened a little and his tongue snaked out to wet his lips. "Hey, man, that's really the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." A nd with that reassurance, Curt felt his desire for Brian increase exponen tially. "Don't worry about me, I like you already. I knew there was som ething between us when I saw you this morning."

Brian gasped softly as Curt's hand stroked along his cock. Before Curt c ould lower his head again, Brian said silkily, "Come here and kiss me."

Immediately Curt responded to the seductive voice, straddling Brian's bod y, resting his ass lightly in Brian's lap. Leaning down, Curt was drawn to Brian's gorgeous, full lips. Their kiss was gentle, almost chaste, a mere touch of lips and hint of breath. They pulled apart for a moment be fore making contact again, this time a wet, hungry, open-mouthed explorat ion.

Passion flared between them, demanding more. Curt began unbuttoning Bria n's black shirt, wanting to feel the smooth skin of Brian's chest. Brian took the hint and worked Curt's patterned shirt open and off, fingers tr acing along the exposed skin. Brian followed his fingers with his tongue , licking lightly at Curt's small, dusky nipples. When Brian bit delicat ely on one, Curt moaned and shuddered in response.

Through his pants, Curt could feel his erection rubbing sensuously agains t Brian's freed cock. The barrier was maddening and erotic at the same t ime. Finally Curt's torture ended as Brian worked his hand between their bodies to unfasten Curt's pants. Needing to feel Brian, Curt barely wai ted before thrusting hard against Brian.

Things were getting out of control very quickly. While there was still t ime, Curt panted, "Do you want to fuck me?"

Overwhelmed by the intensity of simply touching Curt, Brian gasped, "Late r, I can't think clearly now, let's just keep it simple." Brian pushed h is hips against Curt, feeling their hard cocks slide against each other, slick with pre-come and sweat.

Curt clenched his teeth, tensing as the pleasure of Brian's touch overwhe lmed him. With a quiet groan he came, hot semen spilling between them. Two quick thrusts and Brian joined him, arching up and adding to the wetn ess sealing them together.

*****

Later that night, Brian woke with a start, momentarily disoriented. Slow ly he realized it was Curt, moving about restlessly, who had awakened him Curt was tangled in the sheet, sweating, rocking from side to side, and making soft mewling noises. Uncertain, Brian gently stroked his hand along Curt's flank, whispering nonsense reassurances until Curt quieted. Curling himself along the body of his sleeping lover, Brian relaxed int o sleep.

Brian's peaceful sleep was shattered by a scream. He instinctively tight ened his grip on the warm, solid body beneath him. Curt was thrashing ab out with growing force, trying to shake off the weight of the body above him. Gasping, Brian rolled off Curt, barely avoiding being struck by Cur t's flailing fist. Although it seemed that Curt was still asleep, he was alternately screaming and whimpering his anguish. Brian couldn't imagin e what horrible nightmare was causing such a reaction.

Not wanting to see Curt suffer further, Brian called out to him, trying t o wake him. When there was no response, Brian decided to reach out and s hake Curt. As his hand closed around Curt's arm, Curt lunged upward, swe aring and hitting out wildly with his arms. Brian shrank backward, tryin g again to calm Curt with words not touch.

As quickly as the violence had erupted, it subsided. Curt woke, bleary a nd confused, but calmed as Brian's soft voice rolled over him. Rememberi ng the dream, Curt immediately closed in on himself, wrapping his arms ar ound his bent legs and hiding his face. Somehow, Brian thought, this rea ction was even worse than the frantic movements had been. Gently, Brian tried to establish contact. "Curt, come on man, don't shut down on me li ke this. Are you okay? Curt, I need you to look at me, tell me what's g oing on. I want to help. Please, let me help."

Finally, Curt straightened so he was stretched out on his side facing Bri an. In a rough, shaky voice Curt tried to reassure Brian. "Sorry, didn' t mean to freak you out. I'm okay now, it was just a nightmare."

In the lightening shadows of the dawn, Brian could see Curt's face, and w as unconvinced that things were just fine now. He ached in sympathy with Curt's pain, knowing full well the rumors of Curt's past. He wanted to be the one to heal Curt, to love him, but he was afraid to say too much t oo quickly, especially while Curt was still a wreck.

Pulling himself together was not easy for Curt. He hated his nightmares. In them he was taunted and tortured by his past and his present, known and unknown ghosts haunting him without mercy. But he couldn't mess up t his thing with Brian. He had to get control, not scare Brian off. Seein g the worry in Brian's eyes, Curt reached out to touch Brian's arm, rubbi ng his hand up and down the smooth skin. "It's okay, really, I'm awake n ow. Are you okay? I hope I didn't hit you while I was asleep." Curt's worry focused on Brian.

Brian smiled shyly, recognizing Curt's concern. "No, you didn't hurt me. " Brian slowly reached up to grasp Curt's hand, stilling its motion on h is arm. "But I'm not happy to see you so upset. Can you tell me what's wrong?"

Curt tensed momentarily, whether from the touch or the question, Brian wa s unsure. Flatly, Curt answered, "I don't talk about it. You don't need to get involved with my problems."

While Brian felt like he had known Curt for years, he realized that Curt needed some assurance that he could trust Brian before Brian could expect an honest answer from him. Deciding to risk baring a part of himself, B rian didn't press about the dream. Instead, he told Curt, "Did you know that I've seen you perform before?"

Taken off guard by the apparent non sequitur, Curt answered automatically , "You're kidding, when?"

Smiling a far-away little smile at the memory, Brian said, "A couple year s ago, at an outdoor concert in Southwest England. Your act was amazing. I was completely stunned by you."

Curt seemed to brighten up a bit. "Most of that trip is pretty hazy, but I'm glad you liked it. Were you playing, too? I'm afraid I don't remem ber you."

Brian gave a small laugh. "We didn't meet, which is just as well, I hadn 't really found my image yet. I had long hair and sang some acoustic son gs in a long purple dress. It went over about as well as you would expec t."

With a wicked smile, Curt looked Brian up and down, purring, "I can see y ou being very attractive with long hair, and a purple dress, well, that w ould just be icing on a delicious cake."

Blushing with pleasure at Curt's words, Brian tried to regain control of the conversation. "Anyway, I was really pissed at how things had gone, a nd I was stalking away when I heard you start 'TV Eye.' I turned around to see what was happening and saw you, bare-chested, wearing only black l eather pants. Then you poured oil all over yourself and topped it off wi th glitter and just went wild. I was enthralled by your energy, your def iance, your freedom. They hated you, fucking set the stage on fire, and you just didn't care."

"I learned a long time ago not to care about what people think of me. It 's safer that way," Curt murmured, suddenly serious again. Looking into Brian's eyes, Curt untangled his hand from Brian's and stroked it along B rian's cheek. "It's worked so far, but you...we just met, yet you're tem pting me to care, to trust you." The truth of that statement was terrify ing to Curt.

Brian tried not to quiver at the combination of Curt's gentle touch and p rovocative words. "You can trust me, Curt. I've spent the last two year s wanting to meet you, wanting to get to know you. I want to help you, n ot hurt you."

Uncertain how to respond in words, Curt instinctively moved closer to Bri an, seeking warmth and safety in the strong arms of a protector. Brian i mmediately closed the distance between their bodies, tucking Curt against his chest and enfolding him within a gentle, but firm embrace. "Sleep n ow, luv, I'm here and nothing's going to harm you, I promise," Brian whis pered into Curt's hair. Pleased when Curt relaxed, Brian closed his eyes and followed Curt into sleep.

*****

The next day Brian and Curt went shopping. Roaming around town, they bui lt up an impressive wardrobe of bright colors and black leather. Jerry w as arranging several outings, complete with extensive media coverage, and they had to present just the right image.

When they returned from the shopping spree, Brian introduced Curt to the band, Mandy, the wife, and the entourage. Frankly, Curt couldn't have ca red less. The fact was, Brian was spending all his time with Curt, obliv ious to the speculative glances of the entourage and the subtly annoyed g lares of Mandy, and that was just fine with him.

Jerry's first big event was a movie premiere the following evening, so th ey had the night to themselves. After dinner in the posh hotel dining ro om, they retired to Brian's room to relax. Curt wasn't used to running a round all day, and was fairly worn out. In addition, the sudden increase in his metabolism, due to his increased level of activity, was messing w ith the dosage of the methadone. He wasn't due to take another pill unti l morning, but he was already feeling the initial warning signs that its relief was wearing off. Trying to ignore the craving in his mind, Curt f ocused on the bright energy of Brian, and the craving of the flesh.

Brian was feeling energized and incredibly happy to have Curt's undivided attention. He had enjoyed trying on outrageous clothing and seeing Curt 's reaction to it. The sexual tension between them had made the day both exciting and frustrating. They had laughed a lot, joking around and bei ng generally silly. It was a welcome change from the intensity of tourin g.

Even though they had dined in public, Curt and Brian had maintained close body contact, touching constantly, whispering to each other, and flirtin g outrageously. Now that they were alone in Brian's room, their simmerin g desire was given free rein. They kissed and caressed, laughing as touc hes turned ticklish, gasping as fingers found and tweaked nipples.

Playfully, Brian pushed Curt into the bathroom, closing the door behind t hem and turning on the shower. They undressed, stealing kisses as they w ent, and stepped into the luxurious marble shower stall. Engulfed in hot water and steam, they kissed deeply, rubbing sinuously against each othe r.

Brian started lathering a bar of soap, and proceeded to spread suds over the entirety of Curt's body. Curt arched into Brian's slick hands, lovin g being petted and pampered. Brian shampooed Curt's hair, messaging Curt 's scalp and then rinsing him clean. Curt returned the favor, delighting in the smooth feel of Brian's wet skin and silky hair.

By the time they were clean, both men were hard and aching. Brian pulled away from Curt, bracing his hands against the wall. Instinctively, Curt followed, pressing his body against Brian and wrapping his arms around B rian's hips. Brian's moan shot straight to Curt's cock, making him twitc h. Running his tongue around the outside of Brian's ear, Curt whispered, "Is this what you want?"

Breathlessly, Brian responded with a low growl. "Yes. I need you to fuc k me."

Spreading Brian's legs wider, Curt firmly kneaded Brian's ass, eventually working his finger to Brian's entrance. Curt rubbed his finger around, not penetrating yet, but stimulating the sensitive skin. Brian's broken cries for more caused Curt to speed up, slipping one, and then two soap-c overed fingers into Brian. "God, you're tight. Are you doing okay? Tel l me if I'm hurting you."

Groaning and writhing as Curt's fingers brushed his prostate, Brian tried to reassure Curt, panting, "I'm fine. Don't stop. Want you in me."

Removing his fingers, Curt guided his cock to Brian's ass. Curt was shak ing with need, wanting to sheathe himself deeply in Brian's willing body, but desperate not to hurt him. Taking a deep breath, Curt pressed stead ily into Brian, stilling as the head of his cock breached the tight ring of muscles. Moving his hands soothingly along Brian's hips, Curt waited until Brian relaxed then drove deeper into Brian's hot body. When he cou ldn't get any farther, Curt pulled back slowly and began to thrust gently

Leaning against the wall, open and offering his submission, Brian feared he might come from the mere idea of being fucked by Curt. When Curt fina lly penetrated him with his fingers, Brian couldn't hold back his demands for more. Brian fed off the wonderful, burning sensation of Curt's cock entering him. He loved this initial hurt, the sharpness of being taken before it metamorphosed into wanton pleasure. As Curt moved more deeply into him, Brian pushed back, driving them together. The gentle pace Curt was setting allowed Brian to appreciate the fullness of having Curt's co ck up his ass. Soon, however, he wanted more. Roughly, Brian said, "Yes , Curt, do it. Fuck me harder. Faster. Yes. You feel so fucking wonde rful."

Reassured, and incredibly turned on by Brian's words, Curt gripped Brian' s hips harder and picked up the pace. Brian's cries and Curt's grunts mi ngled with the slap of their hard bodies as they frantically moved togeth er. The hot water pounded onto Curt's back as he pounded into Brian. Fe eling his control shattering, Curt reached to grasp Brian's cock, jerking it in time with his thrusts. When Brian tensed, Curt gasped, "Come for me, Brian."

Brian wailed as his orgasm sent waves of incredible pleasure coursing thr ough his body. Curt felt viscous semen covering his hand, and the tight clenching of Brian's internal muscles was more than enough to push him ov er. As he came, Curt felt himself tear apart in a blast of light and col or. The sensation was almost frightening in its intensity.

Opening slightly dazed eyes, Curt realized he was leaning heavily on Bria n, squashing him against the shower wall. Curt pushed himself off of Bri an, carefully pulling out of him then turning him into a solid embrace.

Panting with the force of their release, Brian snuggled into Curt's arms. Resting his head on Curt's shoulder, he allowed the warm water to wash over them, content for the moment.

Eventually they parted, turning off the water and toweling dry. The bath room was damp and misted in steam. Once the door was opened, cool air ru shed in, swirling around their heated bodies. Not wanting to lose the fe eling of connection, Curt pulled Brian under the bedcovers, hugging him c lose and kissing his damp hair.

They lay together in the dark, talking quietly about inconsequential thin gs, nuzzling each other and savoring this languid, sated state of existen ce. Drifting into sleep, Brian knew he was exactly where he wanted to be

*****

The cries that woke Brian later that night were not violent screams, but muffled, keening sounds seemingly torn from Curt's throat. Brian reached to turn on the bedside lamp, then spoke gently to Curt, urging him to wa ke up. Curt shuddered, eyes snapping open, wild and haunted as they scan ned the room for danger. Finally focusing on Brian, Curt took a deep bre ath and tried to relax.

"Sorry, man, didn't mean to wake you up," Curt said gruffly, sitting up a nd rubbing a hand over his eyes.

"No problem, luv." Brian reached out to touch Curt's arm, unsure if the contact would be welcome. Curt responded by turning into Brian's touch a nd wrapping himself around Brian's body, burying his head against Brian's chest. Stroking his fingers through Curt's hair, Brian held Curt, tryin g to reassure him.

After a moment, Curt pulled away, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. "I'm not sure why this is happening, and I don't know how to make it stop." Curt's voice sounded hollow and defeated.

Turning to face Curt, Brian said, "Can you tell me about the dreams? Som etimes talking to someone helps."

Curt started to shake his head, but stopped suddenly and looked at Brian. "I've got a lot of baggage, I doubt you really want to know about it. I'm not sure I want to know about it."

Wanting Curt to feel better, but uncertain of his reaction, Brian said qu ietly, "I think I know some of it. I've heard you were forced to undergo electric shock treatments. That would screw with anyone."

Curt flinched slightly at Brian's words. "Yeah, I was fucking thirteen w hen my mother caught me sucking off my brother and my parents shipped me off to 'cure' me." Curt laughed harshly. "See how much good it did." B rian wasn't quite sure what to say to this. Curt continued, "Actually, i t was sort of funny, in a really fucked up way. I spent eighteen months in a fucking sanitarium getting my brains fried, and all it did was make me more determined not to give in to them."

Horrified at what Curt had been put through, Brian asked, "What about you r brother? How could it be your fault?"

Curt gave a humorless smile. "They didn't want to see what was going on, didn't want to believe what their darling first-born son was doing."

"So they blamed you. Your brother was taking advantage of you, but they blamed you." Brian was furious at Curt's parents.

"I adored him. I would have done anything he asked of me."

Brian took Curt's hand, connecting them through the touch. "He made you take the blame, didn't he? Made you say it was your fault so your parent s didn't think he was responsible."

Curt took a shuddering breath. "Yeah, he told them I had started it, tha t he hadn't wanted me to, but I wouldn't stop. And I let him get away wi th it. I wanted his approval so badly, wanted his love. Even in that ho rrible place, he would visit, see me being tortured and wink at me like w e shared a secret. I held every moment like that inside me, sure that ev entually they would let me out and I could be with him again."

Feeling sick, Brian asked, "What happened after you got out?"

Curt's hand tightened its hold on Brian as painful memories returned. "H e told me he wanted me, but we had to be careful not to get caught." Cur t was silent for a moment before quickly saying, "I let him fuck me, and I was happy. I really thought he loved me. But then one day he came hom e with a girl and announced they were getting married. He had been seein g her while I was away, and had never fucking told me."

Brian felt a strange combination of anger and sorrow. "That must have hu rt you a lot."

Curt said flatly, "He betrayed me. I trusted him and he used me. I made it through the treatments only because I knew he would be there for me i n the end. And then he took me, used me and threw me away. I was devast ated. Then I was furious. I got the hell out of there, went to Detroit, and got into all kinds of trouble."

Softly, Brian said, "I'm so sorry."

Curt pulled Brian into his arms, murmuring, "Thanks. I really thought I' d buried all that shit away a long time ago. Maybe it's coming back now because..." Curt trailed off, not sure if he wanted to tell Brian about h is more recent trauma.

Sensing Curt's reluctance, Brian said, "Because what? Please, Curt, you' ll feel better if you tell me. I want to help."

Curt felt his resistance crumble. Amazingly, it felt good to talk to Bri an. Sharing his pain seemed to help dissipate it. "I've been pretty fuc ked up for a long time. I still drink way too much, I've done a bunch of drugs, and eventually I got hooked on heroin. About six weeks ago, afte r a gig, I was desperate for a hit. I left the bar with some people -- I can't even remember who they were -- and ended up in Central Park the ne xt morning. My money was gone, I was covered with bruises, and I'd been fucked. I keep trying to remember, but it's all blank. They could have raped me or I could have begged them to fuck me. I just don't know." Cu rt ground to a halt, disgust plain in his voice. "I guess it doesn't rea lly matter one way or another. I was so disgusted that I'd gotten into a situation like that, lost control so completely, that I went to a clinic that afternoon and got on methadone."

Brian was stunned. He had never thought to ask why Curt had chosen to ki ck heroin, but had he, this would not have been the answer he expected. Carefully stroking Curt's back, Brian sought to reassure Curt. "It wasn' t your fault, Curt. You didn't ask for it to happen, but maybe since it made you get help, it wasn't totally a bad thing."

Curt smiled grimly. "I'm not free of heroin yet."

"But you will be. I'll help any way I can."

"Thanks, you already have helped." Curt kissed Brian's lips lightly. Fe eling suddenly exhausted, Curt sighed. "Want to try to get a couple hour s of sleep?"

"Sure." Brian turned off the light, then returned to Curt's arms. Even after Curt had fallen asleep, Brian lay awake, trying to process all he h ad learned.

*****

Curt and Brian slept in the next morning, waking up only when Jerry bange d on the door wanting to discuss their schedule for the day. While Curt made a beeline for the bathroom and his pill, Brian told Jerry he wanted to find a doctor for Curt. He wanted to be sure that Curt had the best p ossible chance to break his addiction, and with as little discomfort as p ossible.

Curt emerged from the bathroom to find Jerry gone and Brian looking over his wardrobe. He vaguely remembered that they were on for something publ ic today. Personally, Curt hated all the attention of the press and medi a coverage in general. Most journalists were just out for a fabulous hea dline, and the photographers were like vultures waiting to catch any mist ake or scandal. Since he wasn't in charge of Brian's schedule, yet seeme d to be intimately tied to it, Curt swore to himself to buck up and deal with the publicity angle. While he might not like it, if it allowed him to play music with Brian, he could surely survive it.

Brian selected a brightly colored, flamboyant outfit. Turning to Curt, h e said, "Jerry's scheduled a casual lunch out and then a more formal movi e premiere. Can I pick out something for you to wear?"

Curt moved closer to Brian, looking in the closet. He was thankful that black leather seemed to be universal. He was going to have to adjust if Brian wanted him to wear stuff with more color. Grimly, Curt said, "Can you at least pick something in leather?"

Laughing, Brian nodded. "I'll start you out pretty basic. As you get us ed to the style we'll see about sparking it up a bit. I sort of like pre senting you as the bad boy, dark, different. It complements me nicely."

Curt raised an eyebrow.

*****

Lunch with the entourage turned out to be reasonably harmless. There wer e photographers hovering, but the press seemed to be keeping a respectabl e distance until they were invited to ask a few questions. Luckily, thei r interest centered mostly on Brian and his successful career. Curt was amazed at how easily Brian interacted with these people. It seemed like he had donned a mask and was speaking from behind its safety. The Brian Curt was getting to know was absent, replaced by a glittery image. Even as Curt admired Brian's ability to create himself for the press, he was s lightly disconcerted by the falsehood.

When one reporter asked why Curt was with Brian, Curt glared at the quest ioner, but remained silent and let Brian answer. Curt was slightly stunn ed when Brian draped his arm over Curt's shoulders and purred softly, "Be cause we make gorgeous music together."

For some reason, everyone liked that answer.

*****

The evening gala had the makings of a complete crush. While Curt didn't like being shown off, he decided to fall back on the 'fuck you' attitude and project his own sense of disdain at the people who went crazy over th em. Besides, Brian's reaction to him all dressed up was enough reward to get him through the evening. Even though there was a silent black guy a nd a driver in the car, Brian was kissing and fondling him, whispering in to his ear the graphic details of the things they would do later that eve ning. As they neared their destination, Brian pulled back, allowing Curt a moment to compose himself. Curt tilted back a bottle and took a mouth ful of champagne, even though it did nothing to calm him after Brian's te asing. Handing the bottle to Brian, Curt slipped on the sunglasses Brian had given him to complete his image.

After the black guy opened the door, Curt got out and started up the stai rs. Screaming, flailing people, all trying to touch and take pictures su rrounded them. Curt brushed off the grasping hands and waited at the top for Brian, who was slinking up the stairs to join him. Fitting himself into the crook of Curt's arm, Brian smirked to the crowd and they walked together, arms around waist and shoulder, into the theater.

*****

Hot, wet suction surrounded Curt's cock. Gasping and arching, Curt surre ndered to the feel of Brian's mouth. It had been sheer torture to sit in the darkened theater while Brian touched and teased him into intense aro usal. If asked, Curt would have been unable to tell the name of the movi e or any details about it. After about an hour of torment, Curt had had enough. Standing up, he pulled Brian with him up the aisle and into the elegant bathroom. Brian's surprise at having his bluff called quickly ch anged to excitement as Curt hauled him into a stall, leaning against the door and undoing his leather pants. "Suck me."

Brian swiftly crouched down, opening his mouth for Curt's cock and anchor ing his hands on Curt's hips. Curt began a litany of whispered curses an d endearments as he reveled in Brian's sure caress. Curt thought he woul d come immediately when Brian relaxed his throat and allowed Curt to thru st inside fully. He held on for several thrusts until Brian swallowed ar ound his cock, throat muscles working to tear his orgasm from him. Brian swallowed again as Curt's semen exploded into him. After licking Curt c lean, Brian rose to kiss Curt, sharing the taste of his pleasure.

Curt allowed the kisses to deepen, but when Brian began rubbing his hardn ess against Curt's thigh, Curt pulled back, grinning evilly and saying, " You're going to have to wait until we get back tonight." Panting, Brian looked at Curt, realizing that he was serious. Seeing acceptance in Bria n's eyes, Curt's smile widened. "It will be worth the wait when you fuck me, I promise."

Brian smiled at Curt, running his hand through Curt's hair. "I'll hold y ou to that promise."

*****

Much later that night, Curt was stretched out naked on the bed, watching with growing amusement as Brian searched his luggage for lube. Brian fin ally emerged triumphant. "I knew I'd brought some." He quickly stripped , then bounced onto the bed with, Curt thought, inhuman energy. Soon the y were a tangle of arms and legs rolling across the bed, kissing and laug hing with the joy of being together.

Eventually Brian rolled on top of Curt, settling between his spread legs and rubbing their hard cocks together. Breath shallow and quick, Brian l ifted himself to his knees, reaching around until he found the lube. Squ eezing a generous amount onto his palm, Brian worked it around with his f ingers, warming it. Waiting impatiently, Curt was writhing on the sheets , frantic for more. Finally Brian drew a slick finger down to Curt's anu s, rubbing around the outside before slowly inserting his finger. Curt's body tensed involuntarily at the invasion, but soon relaxed. Brian care fully worked another finger in, using them to open Curt.

"Are you ready for more?" Brian asked.

"Yes. Do me," Curt moaned, thrashing his head against the pillows.

Brian felt a sharp bolt of pleasure in the pit of his stomach at Curt's w ords. For too long he'd wanted to sink himself into Curt, joining them d eeply with his hard flesh. Removing his fingers, Brian pulled Curt's leg s higher up on his thighs, wedging them farther apart with his body. He quickly rubbed the remaining lube over his cock before positioning himsel f at the entrance to Curt's body. As he pressed forward steadily into Cu rt, Brian felt Curt tighten, resisting penetration. Stilling immediately , Brian leaned forward to kiss Curt's mouth, hoping to relax him. It wor ked. Curt loosened enough to allow Brian to slide inside on one long str oke.

Brian broke the kiss, resting his forehead on Curt's shoulder, trying to control the urge to take Curt without restraint. Curt's hands moved thro ugh his hair. Distracted by the touch, Brian reached up and grabbed Curt 's wrists, pinning them over Curt's head as he began thrusting into Curt' s body.

Curt's reaction was unexpected by both of them. Restrained by Brian's ha nds and body, Curt panicked. He went completely still for a moment befor e exploding into motion, bucking Brian off of him and the bed with adrena line-enhanced strength. The sudden change from willing lover to violent adversary shocked Brian. Slowly, he got up off the floor, more stunned t han injured. He saw Curt, curled in on himself, rocking back and forth a gainst the headboard.

Brian felt out of his depths. He wanted to hold Curt, cradle him and soo the him, make everything all right. But he was afraid to touch Curt, afr aid of making things worse. How he hated feeling helpless. He fell back on what had worked before, gentling his voice and softly calling to Curt At first he thought Curt hadn't heard, but as he continued making so othing noises, humming random melodies, Curt's rocking slowed. Taking th is as a good sign, Brian edged closer to Curt, still not touching. He co uld see Curt's ragged breaths steadying and the tension in Curt's body ea sing ever so slightly.

Finally Curt looked up, wild, fathomless eyes connecting with Brian's con cerned gaze. Taking a deep breath, Curt unwound, opening his arms in mut e request for comfort. Brian crawled onto the bed, careful not to move t oo quickly. Propping pillows behind his back, Brian sat upright, waiting to see if Curt would be able to accept him. Drawn to the warmth and rea ssurance of Brian's body, Curt fitted himself against Brian, burying his face in Brian's shoulder.

Brian gently smoothed one hand through Curt's hair. Eventually, Curt sai d in a muffled voice, "I'm really sorry, Brian."

Resisting the urge to reply harshly, Brian replied, "Nothing for you to b e sorry about. I'm the one who should be apologizing."

Curt shook his head, rubbing his hair against Brian's skin. "Not your fa ult I'm so fucked up I can't even get fucked." Curt laughed briefly at h is own humor. "I don't know what happened. I wanted you, but when you h eld my wrists, I guess I felt confined, out of control and I couldn't han dle it."

"After everything you've been through, I think it was perfectly natural t o react like that. I should have thought this out more before jumping al l over you." Brian was disturbed that he had caused Curt pain, however u nintentional.

"Hey, it's not your fault. Don't go beating yourself up for something ne ither of us thought through. Even with those early bad experiences, or m aybe because of them, I've had a lot of sex. I've never freaked out like this before, so how could we know I'd react this way now?" Curt was des perate not to have Brian feeling guilty about his panic attack.

Rubbing Curt's back, Brian heard the combination of weariness, desperatio n, and need in Curt's voice. Not wanting to argue, Brian kissed the top of Curt's head, saying, "Okay, we didn't know to expect anything. But no w we do, so let's try to avoid putting you in a situation that might make you uncomfortable."

Frustrated with himself for being such a mess, Curt petted Brian's chest, taking comfort in the simple touch. "I don't think I'm up for anything more tonight, but eventually I want to try again. I won't let my past st op me from enjoying being with you."

"That sounds like the Curt I'm getting to know." Brian grinned into Curt 's hair. "Whenever you're ready, luv. We can take things slow, stop if you start to feel bad, no pressure."

Curt's yawn signaled the end of the conversation. Brian released Curt an d moved to turn off the lights. Sliding back beside Curt, Brian lay on h is side and asked, "Hold me?"

"Sure." Curt wrapped himself around Brian, spooning up against Brian's w arm, solid body. Slowly they relaxed into an exhausted sleep.

*****

Over the next few days, Curt and Brian ran through the events staged by J erry. With very little time for themselves, the nights became a quiet ti me to hold, talk, touch, love. While Curt wasn't quite ready to risk ano ther panic attack, that did little to limit the variety of activities the y enjoyed. They were pleased to find themselves remarkably matched in ma tters sexual.

The time Brian spent with Curt did not go unnoticed. Mandy, in particula r, made several snippy comments. Apparently, an open marriage was accept able if the couple shagged lots of different partners, but more exclusive attention was frowned upon. Brian had just laughed at Mandy, dismissing her remarks, and returning to bask in Curt's energetic light.

The culmination of Jerry's grand plans was a costume party press conferen ce. Brian had had to convince Curt to wear the gold lame outfit, but eve n Curt couldn't disagree that he looked smashing in it. Besides, somethi ng about flaunting their relationship before a horde of stuffy reporters appealed to Curt. In the end, Curt went all out.

"The world is changed cause you are made of ivory and gold. The curves o f your lips rewrite history."

*****

The party, or more accurately the orgy, was in full swing when Jerry pull ed Shannon into the suite. Naked and semi-naked bodies writhed artfully on the floor and draped over the furniture. Brian noticed Mandy rolling on the floor with two men until a woman stole her attention. Of more int erest was Curt. Brian had watched as two girls attached themselves to Cu rt, stripping off his shirt and pulling him by his belt to a couch. Curt had allowed the attention, but looked increasingly bored.

Brian agreed with him. Lying between a dark-haired woman and a dark-skin ned man, Brian's focus was firmly on Curt. Brian tracked Curt as he rose , shrugging off the women, walking to the mantel and picking up a bottle. The look Curt gave him almost stopped his heart before it began poundin g rapidly in his chest. After Curt slipped from the room, Brian detached himself and followed, turning back for a last, cool look at Mandy.

*****

Entering the softly lit room, Brian found Curt staring out the window. S lowly moving up behind Curt, Brian gently ran his hands up and down Curt' s arms. Curt shuddered at the touch, pushing back into Brian's caress. "I want you to fuck me," Curt stated simply.

Brian brushed his lips along the back of Curt's neck, trembling slightly at Curt's words. "Okay. But let's take it slow." Brian continued to st roke and kiss Curt.

"Um, sounds good." Curt was turning boneless beneath Brian's hands.

Before Curt ended up on the floor, Brian maneuvered him to the bed, stret ching him out, face down on the bedspread. Brian spent a few minutes rub bing Curt's back before going into the bathroom for a bottle of lotion. Returning, Brian noticed that Curt had shed his pants and now lay naked i n the center of the bed. He quickly undressed, leaving his clothes on th e floor where they fell. Sitting beside Curt, Brian squeezed some lotion onto his hand and then recapped the bottle. Brian rubbed his hands toge ther to spread the lotion, looking at the beautiful body before him. Smo othing his hands over Curt's back, he realized again that touching Curt w as an amazing experience. Trying to convey some of his feelings to Curt, Brian whispered, "You're so strong, so beautiful. I love touching you."

Curt groaned softly, aroused by Brian's words, spoken in sultry, accented tones. "You're the beautiful one, Brian. And I love being touched by y ou." It was true, Curt suddenly realized. Brian's hands kneaded over hi s ass and down to his thighs. It felt wonderful. "You know, most of the time with me, sex is just a way to release pressure. I pick people up a nd fuck them and get out -- no emotion, no personal involvement, no desir e to see them again, just a physical release. And that's the way I liked it." Curt took a breath, quieting his voice. "This time with you is th e first time I've wanted to stay. I feel connected to you, can't get eno ugh of you. It's unbelievable."

Brian stilled, saddened by the description of Curt's past. Then a smile broke over his face as he absorbed the implications of Curt's other words "I feel the same way about you. I wanted you from the first time I saw you. And now that we're together, well, you've more than lived up to my expectations." Brian leaned down and sucked on the back of Curt's le ft knee.

The unexpected contact sent pulses of fire shooting up into Curt's groin. No one had every done this to him. Curt gasped as Brian's hands massag ed the arch of his foot. This was incredible. Brian was building up sen sation upon sensation without ever touching Curt's cock. And Curt was al ready hard and desperate for more.

Curt tensed as Brian began licking up Curt's leg to his ass. Expecting B rian to stop, but hoping he wouldn't, Curt moaned as Brian licked the cre ase between thigh and ass. Wiggling to spread his legs farther apart, Cu rt silently offered himself to Brian. Brian accepted, sliding his tongue over Curt's rounded cheek, then returning to lick a path of moisture clo ser to center. After several long, slippery strokes, Curt was gasping wi th pleasure and anticipation of Brian reaching his ultimate destination. When Brian finally licked into the crack of his ass, Curt tossed his hea d back, growling, "Oh, fuck yes."

Brian ran his tongue around Curt's anus, thrilled by Curt's uninhibited r esponse. Pushing inside, Brian began fucking Curt with his tongue.

Curt was quickly losing higher brain functions. His entire focus had nar rowed to Brian's warm, wet tongue. Before he lost the ability to speak, Curt needed to get one thought through to Brian. "Fuck me...fuck me...fu ck me." Once he started, it was easy to keep chanting his demand.

Brian waited until Curt was out of his mind with pleasure, writhing and g asping beneath his touch. Reluctantly, Brian pulled away, crawling to th e top of the bed and lying on his back, erection jutting into the air. C urt cried out at the loss of Brian's velvet caress, looking up with passi on-dilated eyes to see Brian stretched out waiting for him. As Curt trie d to catch his breath and gain enough strength to move, Brian found the l otion and applied some to his cock, never breaking eye contact as he touc hed himself.

Grinning hungrily, Curt slid up Brian's body, positioning himself over Br ian's waiting cock. Looking into the eyes of the gorgeous man beneath hi m, Curt sank down on Brian's hardness, allowing it to open him. Pushing more strongly, Curt cried out as he felt the entire length slide up his a ss.

Brian bit his lush lower lip, trying to let Curt take things at his own p ace. Surrounded by Curt's hot, tight body, Brian feared he wouldn't last long once Curt started moving. Unable to tear his eyes away, Brian saw the open expression on Curt's face, his naked pleasure mirrored in Brian' s eyes. This was the raw, carnal Curt who had first attracted Brian.

Leaning forward to kiss Brian, Curt pushed his tongue into Brian's mouth, capturing Brian's cool, wintergreen taste. After a few minutes of stead y, gentle rocking, Curt released Brian's mouth. Sitting up and stilling his body, Curt said, "Brian, I need you to do something for me." Bringin g his wrists together in front of his face, Curt stated his desire, "Tie me and fuck me."

Brian's eyes widened with a combination of trepidation and arousal. "Are you sure?"

Nodding, Curt said vehemently, "I need to be able to do this with you. I need to be able to give up control and trust you to give me pleasure. I won't let anyone take this away from me. Please?"

"Okay."

Brian stifled a whimper as Curt rose up and off him, stalking to the clos et to look for something to use as restraints. Brian grinned when he ret urned to the bed with a sea green feather boa. Knowing Curt could break free if he really wanted to, Brian felt his fear recede, replaced by rene wed arousal. This heating up, cooling down, heating up pace was killing him, but Brian recognized that they were getting close to the ultimate go al.

Curt held out the boa and then presented his wrists. After kissing Curt' s wrists, Brian carefully wrapped the boa around them, securing Curt with the feathery restraint. Curt answered Brian's unasked question by squir ming onto his elbows and knees. Trying to project a calm he didn't feel, Brian positioned himself behind Curt's spread legs. "I want to fuck you , Curt. I want you to relax and let me take you. I'm going to make you feel fantastic." He couldn't believe how much he wanted this to work.

Taking a deep breath, Curt consciously tried to relax. He could submit t o Brian, could let him control their joining. He trusted Brian to give h im what he needed. "Yes. I'm yours. Fuck me."

Brian pushed slowly into Curt, taking his time but not relenting until he was buried deeply in Curt's body. "You feel wonderful. Relax, feel me inside you, filling you, taking you." Holding on to Curt's hips, Brian b egan to thrust steadily in and out of Curt.

Moving with the force of Brian's thrusts, Curt let the pleasure flow thro ugh him. He was restrained, yet he knew Brian wouldn't hurt him. He fel t an incredible sense of freedom radiating through him, vanquishing the g hosts of the past. That weight lifting from him allowed a keener appreci ation of the sensations crashing over him. Brian was stroking his cock, whispering encouragement, demanding his surrender. With a howl, Curt exp loded into Brian's hand, convulsing with the strength of his orgasm.

Seeing and feeling Curt reach orgasm shattered the last of Brian's contro l, and he surrendered to the unbelievable pleasure of being in Curt's bod y. They lay together, panting, sweaty, and drained by the intensity of t heir release. Brian finally managed to roll them onto their sides, wrapp ing Curt in his arms and kissing his neck. "You were perfect, luv. I'm so proud of you."

Feeling exhilarated, Curt responded, "Thank you. You gave me just what I needed." Reaching around to untie Curt's hands, Brian playfully tickled the feathers across Curt's face. Curt laughed, feeling lighter and free r than he could ever remember being.

Brian was ecstatic. He had helped Curt face and conquer his pain. Feeli ng the need to indulge himself in Curt, to separate them from the real wo rld if only for a short time, Brian suggested, "Let's go away together. Take a vacation before we go back to London and make the record."

Curt intertwined their fingers, kissing Brian's hand. "We could do that? "

"Sure." Brian snickered, thinking of what Jerry would say if he asked. "We'll sneak out in the morning. I'll leave a note. What's anyone going to do once we're gone?"

Curt laughed again, going along with Brian's logic. "Where do you want t o go?"

"How about the shore? I love the ocean, so powerful and untamed." Pausi ng, Brian then whispered, "Like you."

Curt heard the emotion in Brian's voice and responded to it instinctively "I'd go anywhere with you, but the ocean sounds wonderful. How abou t Atlantic City? They have great beaches and a boardwalk and saltwater t affy and a carnival."

Curt's enthusiasm was contagious, and Brian found himself really excited by the prospect of playing with Curt. "Let's clean up and get some sleep We'll want to get out of here before everybody wakes up."

Finally snuggled back in bed, Curt and Brian drifted into sleep, secure i n each other's embrace.