Title: The Collar
Author: kimberlite
Pairing: Curt/Arthur, Curt/Brian
Rating: NC-17
Archive: Please ask first..
Disclaimer: These beautiful boys belong to Todd Haynes, not me.
Thank you: To Alex, as always, for helpful beta.
Summary: Curt faces old memories.
Feedback: Yes, please, to kimberlite@cox.net

The Collar

"You really don't have to go to so much trouble, Curt," Arthur protested. "I really don't have tons of stuff. Anywhere is fine."

"No. You're moving in and the least you deserve is your own closet space. I want this to be our apartment, not just mine." Curt grinned at Arthur then stuck his head back into the closet. He tossed a baseball glove over his shoulder, unerringly landing it at the foot of the bed. A muffled voice said, "I just didn't realize I had so much stuff lying around in here."

Arthur's laugh ended abruptly as Curt dropped to his hands and knees and began rummaging on the floor of the closet. Damn but he looked good in that position. Of course, over the last couple months Arthur had discovered that Curt looked good in any position.

Kneeling next to Curt, Arthur asked, "Is there anything I can do to help?" Unconsciously Arthur ran his hand over the exposed skin between the top of Curt's jeans and the bottom of his shirt. He loved to touch Curt, loved being touched by Curt. Being together still felt so new and amazing that Arthur feared he would wake up and find it all a dream.

Fortunately, he was secure in Curt's love. Meeting again, it had been clear that they both had held on to that special moment on the rooftop. They might only have acknowledged their love recently, but it was clear that it had been growing since that long-ago night.

Curt groaned softly, Arthur's fingers sending shivers of pleasure up his spine. "If you keep touching me, I won't get anything done," Curt teased.

Grinning, Arthur worked his fingers down the back of Curt's jeans. "Maybe not, but someone certainly would." Arthur wiggled his fingers encouragingly.

Curt gasped, pushing up off his hands to sit back on his knees. Turning his head to face Arthur, Curt purred, "Are you suggesting you might like to engage in activities of a sexual nature with me?"

"That's the worst pick-up line I've ever heard." Arthur removed his hand from Curt's pants and began crab-walking away from him.

Curt's grin became positively feral. "You started this, don't think you can escape now." Crawling forward, Curt grabbed Arthur's retreating ankle, reeling him in over increasingly vocal protests.

When Curt started to tickle Arthur's bare foot, he laughed and writhed, trying to escape the torment. "No, Curt...you can't...please..." he gasped breathlessly.

Curt's hands moved up Arthur's legs, his body following, pushing Arthur into the carpet. Working his way under Arthur's shirt, Curt tickled, pinched and fondled the smooth skin. "You're not making yourself clear, Arthur."

Pulling up Arthur's shirt, Curt kissed Arthur's stomach, running his tongue around and finally into Arthur's navel. Arthur's stomach muscles tightened under the blunt assault of Curt's tongue and the wispy tickle of his long blond hair. "You're not making it easy to think."

Curt moved up to suckle Arthur's nipples. "No one said it would be easy." Moving up to kiss Arthur's mouth, Curt lay between Arthur's legs, rubbing their cocks together through their jeans. "In fact, it should be hard."

"Hard is good," Arthur managed in between kisses.

Feeling playful, Arthur rolled them over until Curt lay on his back with Arthur on top. Dragging Curt's hands above his head and holding them with one hand, Arthur used his other hand to tickle Curt.

Curt twisted, thrashed, and laughed under Arthur's hand. "Arthur!"

Smiling sweetly, Arthur crooned, "Payback's a bitch."

Deciding he'd let this go on long enough, Curt twisted away. Just as Curt escaped, he rolled into a stack of shoeboxes, tipping them over. Hearing the crash and seeing stuff pouring out of the closet over Curt, Arthur cringed and asked quickly, "Are you okay?"

Panting, Curt said, "Fine. Just made an even bigger mess, though."

Arthur began removing miscellaneous items from on top of Curt. "You weren't kidding when you said you had lots of stuff in here."

Curt sat up, shaking his head. "Most of this stuff has been in those boxes for years. I don't even remember what's here or why I kept it."

Arthur moved through the rubble to get closer to Curt. Picking up a hockey puck, Arthur said, "It's actually very interesting to see what you thought was important enough to keep. Even if you never looked at it again."

Grinning, Curt smoothed his hand down the side of Arthur's face. "Well, don't get any ideas about writing an article on my closet."

Punching Curt lightly on the arm, Arthur teased, "That's a smashing idea. I could do a whole series of articles. 'Closets of the Stars' has a certain ring to it."

Curt snorted. "I'll resist the obvious closet joke here."

"You're a pillar of restraint," Arthur smirked.

"Come here, you." Curt dragged Arthur onto his lap, kissing him deeply. Arthur moaned as Curt worked his shirt over his head, breaking the kiss only as long as necessary. Curt scratched his blunt nails lightly down Arthur's bare back.

Shivering with the incredible sensations, Arthur arched into Curt's touch demanding more. Pulling Curt's shirt off, Arthur kissed his neck, running his hands over the smooth expanse of Curt's back. "You're so gorgeous, Curt. I can't get enough of you."

Curt tipped his head back, giving Arthur more room to suck on his neck. "You're the one who's fucking beautiful, Arthur. I'm nothing special."

Arthur froze for a moment, stunned at the casual way Curt dismissed himself. "Curt, if you believe that, I need to fuck you in front of a mirror and show you how magnificent you are. I've never seen anyone as captivating as you."

"Well, you're welcome to fuck me anywhere you want, but I don't think it's going to radically change how I see myself." Curt shrugged, frowning slightly.

Arthur kissed the side of Curt's lips, teasing the frown into a smile. "I'll just have to work on you slowly, then. Whoever gave you the idea that you aren't special should be shot."

"Hey, don't get all upset. It's not as bad as you think. I know other people think I'm attractive, I just don't quite see it myself." Curt kissed Arthur's forehead, migrating down over his eyelids and nose to his mouth.

Relaxing into Curt's kisses, Arthur decided to feel, not think. He tangled his hands in Curt's hair, loving the slide of the silky strands. Their kisses escalated to wet, open-mouthed plundering, a tongue-battle for dominance.

Curt pushed Arthur backward, gently guiding him onto the carpet. When Curt added his weight, Arthur grunted, "Something's poking me." Curt laughed. "No, something else. Lift up a minute."

When Curt took his weight on his hands, Arthur lifted his hips, reaching beneath himself to remove the offending object. Curt stiffened suddenly and rolled off Arthur. Stunned at Curt's response and still unsure what he had been lying on, Arthur looked down to see a dark leather collar with silver studs.

Arthur had a vivid memory of the collar. Curt had worn it at the Death of Glitter concert. He'd had it on when Arthur had joined him on the rooftop. Arthur thought back over that extraordinary night. He had taken it off Curt when they had undressed. But why had Curt reacted now like the collar was a poisonous snake?

Arthur looked up to see Curt, sitting against the wall with his arms wrapped around his drawn up knees. His forehead rested on his knees and his hair further obscured his face.
"Curt?" Arthur asked tentatively.

Taking a shuddering breath, Curt looked up at Arthur. "Sorry, man. Didn't mean to freak on you there."

Arthur crawled over to Curt, sitting next to him with only their shoulders touching. "That's okay. Can you tell me why the collar upset you so?"

Staring straight ahead, Curt tried to explain. "It has a history. Even though I haven't seen it in years, it still has the power to bring all the memories back."

"Bad memories?" Arthur looked at the collar in his hand, feeling the smooth metal and supple leather. Curt had cared enough to save the collar and pack it so the leather could breathe.

"Some good, some not so good." Curt shrugged.

"Brian gave you the collar." It was not a question. Arthur was amazed at how Brian still exerted an influence over both their lives.

"Yes." Curt fell silent for a moment, searching through memories he thought he'd dealt with and packed away years ago. "Arthur, I don't want Brian to stand between us. I love you and trust you enough that I'm going to tell you the story. I want us to be totally clear that I want you, not
Brian, okay?"

"If it's too painful, you don't have to tell me. I know you want to be with me now, and I'm not jealous of Brian." Arthur offered Curt a way out.

Curt ran his hands though his hair. "I want to tell you. I don't like the way seeing the collar makes me feel. Beside, sharing pain sometimes helps lessen it."

Arthur smiled encouragingly at Curt, taking his hand and kissing his knuckles lightly. "I love you, Curt."

"Love you too, Arthur."

*****

Sex with Brian is fantastic. The attraction between us has grown as we've spent more and more time together. We fuck all the time, and still we can't get enough of each other. It's like we are the only two people on earth. No one else comes close to matching Brian's incandescent presence.

We did a show tonight and Brian fucking blew the audience away. They'd never seen anything like him before. I adore playing music with Brian. It's hot and wild and purely sexual. I can still feel the beat throbbing through my body and know that he feels it too. It's exciting to have all that power at my fingertips, to direct it, create moments of intense beauty.

It is a relief to get to our room. The tension between us has built all night and it ready to explode. I lock the door and turn to face Brian. He is already stripping off his clothes. The look he gives me is primal.

I peel my clothes off as I move closer to him. Brian radiates lust. I want to consume him, claim him. We meet, lips to lips, skin to skin. The contact is scorching. We are all over each other. There is no finesse, no niceties. This is pure, animalistic fucking.

We roll around on the bed, fighting for dominance. When at last I subdue him, we are both sweaty and panting with need. I know he'll be ready for me - he always is. Dragging his legs over my shoulders, I thrust up his ass in one demanding stroke.

I love to hear his cries. We are skirting the edge of pain, but it is all in the name of pleasure. I want it this way and so does he. I plunge into his tight heat, growling my desire, taking what I want from his willing flesh. He thrusts himself against me, demanding that I take him deeper, harder. I speed up, grab his cock and jerk it mercilessly. Our orgasms are shattering.

We lay together, coming down from the rush. They really are very similar, playing and fucking, fucking and playing. It's the power and the connection and the emotion. In either arena, Brian's beautiful, so talented, so creative.

Once the initial need is satisfied, we can take our time. Brian's skin is so smooth and soft. We touch gently, encouraging the fire of our passion. I've never felt so alive. Brian does that to me. It's frightening how much I need him.

Brian slinks down my body, his tongue leaving behind a wet trail that leads to my cock. I drift, languid in the warm wetness of his mouth. He pushes me until I roll onto my stomach. His tongue teases me, lapping my inner thighs, my balls. I spread for him, groaning as his tongue rims me. It feels so fucking good.

When his fingers replace his tongue, I stiffen. We've had this conversation before. He knows how I feel about penetration. I try to relax, to give him this surrender, but all the dark memories crash over me. I cry out, twisting away from his touch, shaking.

It doesn't matter that I'm no longer a helpless kid, that I'm not strapped down having my brains fried. I can't give myself this way again. It doesn't matter that I'm no longer a kid on the street desperate for cash, that I'm not lying beneath some stranger having my ass fucked. Now that I'm stronger, I won't be forced to give up that control.

Brian is gentle but firm. He wants to help me, wants me to trust him. I want to be able to let Brian fuck me. I just don't know how to overcome my fear.

Of course, the answer is to face the fear. Brian has figured this out, too. When he produces leather cuffs I stare at them in horror. There's no fucking way I'm letting him tie me. He doesn't force me, but he also doesn't put them away.

Then he does something even more unexpected. He gives me a gift. It's a leather collar studded with silver. He tells me that when I wear the collar for him he'll be the master, in complete control. I'm fascinated, torn between the fear of giving up control so utterly and the longing to surrender responsibility, to let him take control of my fear.

He looks so concerned, so eager to help. I hold on to my desire for him, my love. I do trust him, more than anyone I've ever known. If I'm ever going to deal with my past, now's the time. He watches me as I touch the collar, then bring it to my neck and fasten it.

I belong to Brian now. When I lower my hands from my neck, I leave behind the symbol of his possession, his love. I'm breathing quickly, but with the decision to surrender comes a sense of peace. It's his right to do whatever he wants to me. All I need to do is accept him.

He kisses my lips, whispering words of love and reassurance as he trails down my neck. I feel him shiver as he tastes my salty skin, smells the rich scent of the leather. I tilt my head, offering him my throat. I want to please my master.

Brian pets and teases me until I'm gasping and pleading. When he picks up the leather cuffs, I kneel before him and bring my wrists together in front of my face. He smiles at me and kisses my wrists before carefully fastening them together. His approval washes over me and I grab onto it. If I can keep my focus on Brian, I'll be all right.

As he touches me, I melt into his caresses. He is giving me such incredible pleasure. I want to take everything he gives me. He kneels behind me and runs slick fingers along my crack. I stifle the urge to squirm away, spreading my legs wider to accommodate him. He circles my opening, giving me pleasure, helping me relax.

When he presses a finger inside, I cry out. It doesn't actually hurt, just feels disproportionately large. Brian murmurs to me, rubbing his hand up and down my back, soothing me. After the initial penetration, I accept the second finger more easily.

He kisses my shoulder blades as his fingers stroke my prostate. No one's ever cared enough for me to take the time and do this for me. Star-bursts explode behind my closed eyes.

Brian removes his fingers, replacing them with his cock. I bend forward, resting my weight on my bound forearms, exposing myself to Brian. He is careful to go slow, but soon I'm gasping as he slides fully up my ass. I feel completely filled by him.

As he begins to move, I chant his name as a litany. My voice gets louder as his thrusts become harder. He hits my prostate, and I tense at the exquisite pleasure. I need more. He pounds into me over and over. Then he pulls me back so we're both kneeling and my back touches his chest.

He kisses my neck and I feel the collar around my throat. He runs his hands over my chest, pinching my nipples. When he lowers one hand, wrapping his fingers around my cock and pumping me, I surrender to his rhythm. I come and then feel him shudder through his own release.

He undoes my wrists quickly, then pulls me into an embrace. We cuddle together, still catching our breath, exhausted but exhilarated. I try but I don't have the words to express how wonderful it felt to be taken by him. Relinquishing control to Brian allowed me to conquer the fear. In submission, I finally feel free from the shadows of my past.

*****

Arthur had listened quietly as Curt described his first encounter with Brian and the collar. He was incredibly saddened that Curt had been so hurt and traumatized as a teenager. But he was also amazed at his resilience. With trust and love, he and Brian had found a way to help him heal.

"Even with all the pain, it's a beautiful story." Arthur squeezed Curt's hand, then turned slightly to brush strands of hair out of Curt's eyes. "The love and trust you had for each other allowed you to overcome the pain."

Curt met Arthur's rich hazel eyes and tried to smile. "It didn't last. That's the worst part of it. After all we were to each other, he changed, he left me behind."

Arthur felt the buried pain of betrayal and abandonment, and wanted to cry for the man he loved. Curt had suffered so much. "Then it was his mistake."

"I still don't really know what happened. We were having such a good time; we were so hot together. Our music was incredible. Our relationship was intense. I can still remember the times when I needed to give up control totally. When I put on that collar, I was offering everything I was to Brian."

"Oh, Curt," Arthur whispered.

"And he took it, took me. For a while everything was perfect, but then Maxwell Demon took over our lives and things changed. Brian changed, started using coke occasionally. I warned him, but he was sure he could control it." Curt leaned his head back against the wall, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger.

Arthur ached to see Curt reliving the ending of the relationship.

Lowering his hand, Curt said simply, "It all fell apart. All the words of love meant nothing. And there was nothing I could do but get away from him. Only I still loved him."

"That must have been incredibly difficult."

Curt smiled wistfully. "I was a mess. I think the hardest thing to deal with was the fact that we had made promises to each other that we didn't keep. The collar reminded me of those broken promises. Fortunately, Jack helped me, was a true friend. He made me keep going, kept me from hurting myself. I owe him a lot."

Arthur returned the smile. He'd met Jack a few times after the Flaming Creatures had taken him under their wing.

"I came back to London determined to try to help Brian. He had given me so much, I couldn't just abandon him. We'd been through so many things together I felt I still had a chance to reach him."

Arthur ran his tongue over his lips. God, in addition to everything else, Curt would have felt guilty for not saving Brian.

"He wouldn't see me, wouldn't take phone calls, he completely shut me out. So I did the only thing I could think of to show him I still loved him."

Arthur knew and remembered. "The Death of Glitter concert."

"Yes. The collar was so personal that I'd never worn it in public before. Brian was the only person who'd ever seen me in it. But I wore it to the concert. I tried to show Brian that I needed him, that I was still there for him. I felt him there, watching me, but he left."

"I'm so sorry. I remember you on stage. You were incredible. I can't understand how Brian could have walked away from you." Arthur lowered his eyes and murmured, "But for myself, I'm glad he did."

Curt raised Arthur's face, caressing his skin. "Even then, you were a bright spot in the darkness. I knew it the moment I saw you."

"You were is such pain, yet you were so gentle with me." Arthur turned his head to kiss Curt's palm.

Curt cupped Arthur's face in both hands. "You were everything I wasn't, so innocent, so good. You saved me from myself that night by being so open and trusting. You let me pretend I was worthy of love."

"Oh, Curt. You are loved," Arthur said fiercely.

Curt kissed Arthur's lips, nibbling gently. "I know that now, love. But at the time, you were the one who made the night magic. When you took the collar off me, you freed me. It wasn't easy to let go, to move on without Brian, but that was the first step."

"You offered me freedom too. I just wish I'd listened to you better." Arthur rested his head against Curt's shoulder.

Curt ran his fingers through Arthur's hair. "I wish I'd been brave enough then to choose a path with you in it."

Arthur smiled against Curt's skin, snaking his tongue out for a quick taste. "Neither of us were ready, but we held on to that moment. You told me to make a wish. I did, and it's finally come true. We were able to grab our second chance, and now the loneliness is in the past and we have each other."

"Yes, we do. We're incredibly lucky to have found each other again." Curt smiled warmly. "Do you know how precious you are to me?"

Arthur nuzzled Curt's bare neck. "Yes, because I feel for you what you feel for me."

Grinning, Curt looked down at the collar beside Arthur. "I'll always remember the good times with Brian, love him for the person he was for a time. But he's the past, and I want to live in the present."

Following Curt's gaze to the collar, Arthur picked it up, turning it over in his hands, touching the smooth leather and cool metal. Then he offered it to Curt. "It doesn't have any power over you now. You've freed yourself of the fear, survived the broken promises. It can't hurt you anymore."

Curt reached out, twining his fingers around the collar but not letting Arthur's hands go. "You're right. It's just a collar." Curt took it, fastening it around his neck.

Arthur met Curt's bright, blue-green eyes, letting his feelings flow over Curt in waves. "I love you so much."

"As I love you." Curt drew Arthur into his arms, feeling his warmth, his satiny skin. They rested together, secure in each other's arms, drawing comfort from being together.

Arthur finally reached up, running his hands over Curt's collared neck. "Make love to me?"

Curt smoothed his thumb over Arthur's lips. "Take the collar off first. I want to be free when I soar with you."

Kissing Curt's neck, Arthur undid the collar, letting it slip unnoticed to the floor.