How not to be seen ... by the Sith

How not to be seen ... by the Sith by Master Yo-Gurt

Archive: Master & Apprentice, Fanfiction.net, all others please ask.

Category: Humor/Parody, PWP

Spoilers: ??? NAAEEEE!

Warnings: It's violent, it's brutal, it's ... silly beyond words

Rating: PG-13 (some sexual innuendo ... and some violence)

Summary: TPM meets Monty Python (on a regular basis now it seems. Can we get our own TPM/MP crossover category, please?). You'll see - or NOT!

Notes: Kaiburr started it, Fishgoat and DebVel continued it. I'm totally innocent!

Thanks to DebVel for posting the url http://www.stone-dead.asn.au/sketches/ which provided the skeleton for this parody.

Actually, in hindsight, I noticed that it really helps in the enjoyment of this little piece if you had actually seen the original Monty Python sketch, as that one is a very visual one compared to the other crossovers that you may find in this archive. I hope it still work for you. Oh well!

Feedback: YES, YES, YES! Please at quigon_jinn21@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: All characters herein are the creation of that one guy in California, I think his name is George L. or sumthin. The original idea for this sketch , someone said it came from Steve Martin, but I only knew it to be a classic Monty Python one. Does this have money-making potential? I don't think so.

(Cut to the lush swamp of Naboo, a wide-ranged shot of the edge of the swamp)

Voice over (Chancellor Valorum) : In this picture there are 40 Jedi and assorted scum. Non of them can be seen. This film by the Jedi council was produced to show how not to be seen, an increasingly important lesson in face of growing threat by the Sith.

[CAPTION on SCREEN: THE JEDI COUNCIL, Public Service Film no. 69, Para 27 "How not to be seen"]

Voice over: In this little film we hope to show you the value of how not to be seen.

(Cut to a sand dune on Tatooine)

This is Anakin Skywalker, of Tatooine, Outer Rim Territories. He can not be seen. I'm going to ask him now to stand up. Anakin Skywalker, would you please stand up.

(In the distance, Anakin stands up. A blaster shot is heard and Ani crumples onto the sand.)

Voice over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen. Obviously young Skywalker's Jedi training hadn't commenced to that vital point yet.

(Cut to a grassy plain of Naboo)

These are Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi of Coruscant. We can easily see the Master, but the apprentice can not be seen. Now where can he be?

(Blaster shot fells Qui-Gon who slumps to the ground). Now there is Obi-Wan, he was hiding behind his Master, doing naughty things to him from behind. Now that his Master is gone, he can easily be seen. (Obi-Wan is cut down by Darth Maul).

(Cut to a swamp on Dagobah)

Voice over: Master Yoda, formerly of the Jedi Council of Coruscant, is now hiding from the Sith on Dagobah, where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda. We can not see him. Master Yoda, would you please stand up!

(After a moment, nothing happens).

Voice over: Master Yoda has leaned a valuable lesson. That is not to stand up. Well, after 900 years that is to be expected. However, he has chosen a very conspicuous planet to hide on.

(Death Star approaches and blasts Dagobah to smithereens)

(Cut to Hoth, entrance of a Wampa liar, with three dead Taun-Tauns in front)

Voice over: Luke Skywalker, also of Tatooine, and Jedi in training, has presented us with a poser. He could be in any one of the three Taun-Tauns. Very clever for a young Jedi. But we can soon find out.

(left Taun-Taun is blasted away, right Taun-Taun explodes, middle Taun-Taun is blown up by a STAP. A muffled moan and a thud can be heard).

Ah yes, he was in the middle one.

(Cut to Mos Espa, with dozens of shops, land speeders, podracers and Dewbacks)

Voice over: Junkshop dealer Watto has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. In one of the shops, hiding inside a speeder, or behind a Dewback. However, we happen to know that he's in that blue speeder on the left.

(Speeder is blasted away by a huge explosion)

(Cut to the stateroom in the Naboo palace)

Voice over: Queen Amidala of Naboo has developed a strikingly novel tactic of not being seen. She is dressed up as one of her handmaidens. We don't know which one she is. Oh handmaidens, would you please report to the Queen for hairduty?

(Sache, Yane, Rabe, Sabe, and Padme file out of the stateroom and are blasted away one by one. Padme can be heard overheard saying "Oh shit! My cover is blown")

(Cut to a large starship)

Voice over: These are the members of the Jedi Council of Coruscant. They have chosen a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at the Temple we found that they had gone away on an important mission for the next two weeks, not telling anybody where they were going. The Council chamber was bolted and barred to prevent us from getting in. However, Senator Palpatine, a good citizen of the Republic, told us where they were.

(Starship is blown away by an even bigger starship)

(Pan to Senate Chambers, cut to senatorial pod with Palpatine)

Voice over: And here is the good senator (blasted away leaving just his boots).

(Cut to a senatorial residence on Naboo) Here is where Senator Palpatine lived (residence is blown up. - Cut to Jabba the Hutt's palace). And here is where Jabba the Hutt of Tatooine lived who refused to talk to us (palace blows up). So did Han Solo who lives in here (Millenium Falcon explodes), and over here (Bespin is blasted away), ... and of course here ... (a series of nuclear and planetary explosions a la Alderaan are seen)

THE END (We hope)