Public Relations Nightmares
by Master Yo-Gurt (quigon_jinn21@hotmail.com)
ARCHIVE: M&A, my page at The Hidden Realm (http://darkpine.net/HiddenRealm/mm/my.html),
anyone else please ask.
CATEGORY: Humor/Parody
RATING: PG
WARNINGS/SPOILERS: None
DISCLAIMER: Oh Flannelled One, how do I love thee, let me count the ways ...
kooky merchandise amongst them!
NOTES: This was written in response to Master Ruth's holiday gift challenge.
I just looooove the trinket of very cheesy TPM merchandise I was given! **does
happy hamster dance** Also see end of the story. Thanks go to Cassie for a quick
and dirty beta, and to Sneezer for enlightening me about a certain little interactive
something. Thanks to both of you!
Feedback: Please, always appreciated at quigon_jinn21@hotmail.com
The young man let his eyes roam over the head of the object he was
holding carefully in his hands, let his fingers run over the smooth
top, exploring its texture and contours. It felt good in his hands,
very nice indeed. After a while his look fell to a small opening at
its back, and puzzled he looked at his Master for guidance.
"Master ... what's that ... hole ...?"
"You put this, like so. Very easy, you try it, Padawan." The Master
demonstrated, quickly inserting the long, rigid object into the hole.
A small giggle was heard, accompanied by a much deeper, more
resonant, yet somewhat subdued chuckle.
"Go on, suck on it, that's what it's there for. It's fun," the older
man tried to reassure his young apprentice.
"I ... Master, I can't, this is so ... weird. Master Windu
would ..."
"Master Windu would do it himself if he would have just an ounce of
his old sense of mischief left in him. Alas, his position on the
Council..." The Master trailed off. It was Mace's loss, after all!
Encouragement in his eyes, he again looked at the Padawan who knelt
at his feet while he sat in one of the alcoves that lined the hallways
of the Jedi Temple.
"Come now, don't be shy. Others would give their right arm or other
appendage for what I am offering to you here. Now ... put it into
your mouth and start sucking, Obi-Wan! It won't hurt, I promise."
Master Qui-Gon Jinn soothingly advised the young Jedi at his feet.
Hesitation played around Obi-Wan's face, and he felt the first sure
signs of flushing on his cheeks. That his Master, of all Jedi he
knew, would offer this to him! He was awe-struck by the trust and the
courage Qui-Gon showed. To share this unique item, offering it to
him, and him alone.
Obi-Wan felt very special, and again his hands examined the it once
again, turning it around, paying close attention to even the smallest
detail.
Indeed, Master Windu would be appalled would he have knowledge about
this!
"Oh, rest assured - he doesn't!" Qui-Gon had easily picked up on his
Padawan's thoughts, unshielded as they were. "He would greatly
admonish me if he knew about this, and that I showed this to you,
Obi-Wan."
The Master snorted in a barely repressed fit of merriment
as his young student tentatively opened his mouth and started to suck
on his Master's offering. After a minute he looked up at Qui-Gon once
more, his eyes mirroring the question his mind tried to formulate at
that moment.
"Can you blow on it as well?" Obi-Wan's lips parted even before his
Master had given his permission. Qui-Gon looked on as Obi-Wan
explored, tasted ... yes, in fact enjoyed what he was doing!
"Yes, Obi-Wan, you may blow on it as well. But be careful, don't take
too much into your mouth at once," the older man guided his
apprentice.
"So ... you like the taste?" Experienced eyes shone down onto
Obi-Wan as
he alternated between sucking and blowing, and then resorted to
sucking again, taking in another gulp of the sticky, whitish fluid.
"Hmmmm ... Hmmmm!" A tiny drop spilled out of Obi-Wan's mouth
and he almost choked at the sight of the two figures coming up to
them
right behind his Master.
"Mmmmmhhh, hmmm..." There was a certain urgency in Obi-Wan's voice
as he hastily gulped the contents of his mouth down, struggling to
stand up from the floor. Alarmed, Qui-Gon turned his head and moved
to
stand up himself when he recognized the men approaching rapidly.
"Master Yoda, Mace!" he said, bowing and attempting to hide the
offending item from their view. With a quick motion he drew his robe
tightly around his length - to no avail.
"Qui-Gon! How could you! Didn't I specifically ask you not to
implement your "scheme" until the Council had a better understanding
of the implications of what exactly your plan would entail? Didn't
you agree not to compromise our stance on this issue? Now, look at
you!"
Mace was clearly exasperated by this display of sheer obstinacy his
friend had shown -- no wonder Qui-Gon would never sit on the Council,
Mace thought and helplessly looked down at his fellow Councillor.
Master Yoda barely reached up to his knees, but was fuming and thus a
most commanding presence nonetheless.
"Yes, your idea to promote the Council, its members, make them "user
friendly" to young initiates and Padawans -- failed it has! Laugh at
us, they do. Snickering they are, behind our backs! Stop this, you
must, Qui-Gon!" Master Yoda's ears agitatedly flapped up and down as
he shakily held a little green doll into his hands, showing it to his
former Padawan and Obi-Wan for closer inspection.
"Ridiculous, this is!" he huffed as the little Muppet-like figurine
of Master Yoda sputtered out such wisecracks as "Let the Force flow"
and "The Force is mighty, brilliant and wise!"
"Wrong syntax it uses, correctly I speak, not garbled like that.
Ridiculous, Sith!" the little, very livid Master kept complaining to
his former student.
"Yes, Qui-Gon, I think you've gone distinctly too far with your
brilliant PR idea to promote awareness of the Jedi Council! And
this is unbelievable..." Mace went on, grabbing the plastic
container
with lid from under Qui-Gon's robe, holding it up to get a better
look
at it.
It was a plastic cup, about 15 inches tall, with a lid that looked
like ... Mace Windu, complete with bald head and movable arms,
not to forget the hole in its back to insert the long,
over-dimensional straw into it to consume whatever this cup had been
filled with.
Suspiciously Mace opened the lid, sniffing at the contents of the cup.
"As I thought - Kilgrana syrup. You know how hyper the young ones get
after they drink this unhealthy concoction." And with a very
disgusted
face Mace poured the white liquid into one of the potted plants that
lined the alcove.
"Get rid of this ... NOW! And I hope, for your own sake, that this
is
but the prototype of this ... thing!" Mace disgustedly uttered as
he closed his fingers around his plastic likeness. At his last words
the Councillor had turned an even darker shade of ... well, dark, if
that was possible. Ruefully Qui-Gon tucked his hands into his robe
sleeves, guiltily looking from one Master to the other.
"Yes, it's the only one, Mace. But you should have seen how much fun
it was when Obi-Wan ..." Recognizing that tell-tale vein on Mace's
forehead that always appeared before his friend bordered on popping
his "lid", so to speak, Qui-Gon lowered his eyes and apologetically
looked at his former Master.
"Sith this doll is, get rid of it as well, you will. Mind-sweeps
for everyone who played with it, there shall be! Forget we must this
disaster, hm!" And for emphasis Yoda tapped his cane onto the hard
floor, his taps echoing ominously through the halls.
"Yes, my Master, I shall collect all Yoda dolls and ..." letting
his glance sweep over to Mace, "... this cup ornament, all shall
disappear, as you wish."
//Spoilsport!// Qui-Gon added to himself, but his thoughts were
mirrored so clearly on his face, Mace couldn't help but shoot a
withering look in Qui-Gon's direction.
"You wait, my friend, until there will be dolls of you and your
Padawan around ... dressed up in all sorts of ridiculous garb!" For
an instant, Mace's face brightened, as if precognizance had struck
him
out of nowhere, before he gave a short nod in Qui-Gon's and Obi-Wan's
direction, effectively dismissing them.
A sad little look showed on Obi-Wan's face as he longingly took one
last look at the Mace Windu Ornamental Cup Topper.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, but you've heard the Masters." With long faces
both Master and Padawan went their way, leaving Mace and Yoda
standing in the hall, still cursing the day they ever had listened to
Qui-Gon's little public relations campaign.
"The Sith will come back before we'll ever live that one down!" Mace
groaned and covered his eyes with his hand.
"Fear I do, Sith will come indeed." Both Councillors turned on their
heels to start damage control for their bruised and battered egos.
The End!
Additional notes: The 32 oz. cup and cup topper/lid in the shape of
Mace Windu was one of 12 different ones issued by three fast food
chains (Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut), a picture of which can be seen
here: http://www.toyspress.co.jp/gradener/pepsi/cap/may113.jpg
