Title: "DPS: Worthy"
Author: Kristi (kbeale151@yahoo.com)
Archive: Yes please! Whoever wants it, just let me know.
Category: angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Obi-Wan pays for his mistakes at Melida/Daan.
Disclaimer: Not mine, yada yada yada
Feedback: Appreciated. On or off-list.
Notes: It's DPS. Guess. <g>
It's been nearly three months since the events on Melida/Daan. Six long months,
while Obi-Wan has been placed on probation, and Qui-Gon has not yet accepted him
as his padawan again. Obi-Wan lives in the student dormitories alone, trying his
best to keep up with his studies and his training. He attends every class but
has no one to spar with. The other students have shunned him, angry that their
dedication has been questioned because of his actions. None of Obi's friends are
even around to comfort him. His best friend, Bant, has been chosen as a padawan
and is away on a mission, while Garen and Reeft are also off-planet. Obi-Wan had
believed that he and Qui-Gon were getting closer, closer to becoming a team again,
but then a mission was assigned and Qui-Gon left without even telling Obi-Wan
he was going. With no one to talk to, and no one to watch over him, Obi-Wan has
become more and more depressed. The Council is keeping an eye on him, but they
believe that to show him kindness or leniency will mean more severe problems later
on. Whenever they meet young Obi-Wan in the hallways they are always certain to
be cold and disapproving, no matter what he does, how he tries to please them.
They believe in his heart he is still too reckless and should not be a padawan.
It is only at the insistence of Yoda that he has not been expelled from the order.
Yoda has left strict instructions that Obi-Wan is not to be sent away while he
is on his yearly retreat to Dagobah. Yoda had been very careful in the weeks before
his trip not to run into Obi-Wan. He disagreed with the others' attitudes towards
the youth, but he knew they would eventually come around. He knew that if he had
seen Obi-Wan he would have been kind to the boy and the other Councilor's work
would be undone. While he was respected as the most wise of all Jedi, he also
knew that even he could be outvoted if he made his compatriots angry enough.
So Obi-Wan continues to suffer, alone. His teachers have been informed that he
is not to be singled out for praise of any kind, and if at all possible he should
not be called on for demonstrations or discussions. His teachers have not had
a problem with this - for the exuberant young man who had been excited about learning
seems to no longer exist. He goes silently from class to class, making nary a
sound. He pays attention, but it is as if he is a shadow or a wraith. Most of
his teachers remembered the youth he had been before, but dare not to go against
the wishes of the Council.
After nearly a month since Qui-Gon's departure, Obi-Wan is more morose than ever
before. No one has seen him smile in weeks, and in his classes he has become even
more silent than before. He makes sure never to give reason to the teachers to
be cross with him - his assignments are always on time, and he makes sure to have
read the lesson and to have studied for the tests - but it is clear to all the
perceptive ones that he is joyless. An air of sadness always floats around him
and nothing seems to break it.
Obi-Wan is always alone - even after so long a time none of the other padawans
or initiates will interact with him. One day he runs into a group of Bruck Chun's
friends. Most of them had been offworld for some time, and this is the first time
since Bruck's death that more than two had been in residence at the Temple at
the same time. They are cruel and heartless to Obi-Wan, openly accusing him of
murdering their friend. He makes half-hearted denials and tries to ignore the
youths. But they attack him, beating him up. Even then Obi does not fight back.
He does not believe himself to be worth it. Then the youths hold him down and
one of them pulls out a knife.
The others help him cut off Obi's padawan braid. They tell him he does not deserve
to wear a mark of apprenticeship when he doesn't have a master. And they tell
him it is obvious he will never have one. A concerned teacher saw the fight from
afar and broke it up - she had seen that Obi-Wan had done nothing, not even defend
himself. She reprimanded the youths and sent them to their rooms or their masters
for further punishment. Then she went to Obi-Wan to make certain he was all right.
He was sitting on the floor, the braid in his hands. He looked even more lost
than before. It was as though a vital part of him was ripped away with that braid.
The only thing he was working towards, the only thing way down deep in his heart
that he believed he might actually be worthy of again. Now it was gone, just like
his friends and his master. Like the teachers he once knew, the ones who would
call on him and speak with him and let him debate and love learning, the same
teachers who now avoided his gaze.
He hastily got to his feet, bowed to the teacher, and went to return to his room.
His quiet little room. When he arrived, he had come to a decision. He could no
longer pretend that the Jedi wanted him. He could no longer live like this, with
every one hating him or ignoring him completely. He could no longer live with
the apathy of others, the condemnation, and worst of all - the loneliness. He
had never felt so alone in his entire life. After surreptitiously hiding the fact
he no longer had a braid, he called up the holocom and placed a call to his mother.
"Mother?" Obi tried not to sound too hopeful, but he knew that his birth family
was the only place he had left to turn. His family was rather poor, but he hoped
they would be able to spare a corner of a room for him, until he could find another
profession. As his mother's face appeared on screen, though, part of his hope
faded. He could see how worn she looked - she looked as though she hadn't eaten
enough. He decided that he would have to send out a feeler instead of asking outright.
"Obi. How good to hear from you!" His mother's face held a smile, but it was one
that did not go into the depths of her eyes. It was a fondness, nothing more.
But to him it was more kindness than he had received in a month.
"Mother, I recently found that, that a friend of mine, you don't know him, but
that a friend of mine will be traveling close to home very soon and I had wanted
to know if he could come and stay with you for a few days. Just a short while.
He's very kind and quiet and wouldn't be any trouble at all."
"I - I don't think that would be such a good idea right now."
Obi could see the indecision on his mother's face. "He would also be able to pay,
just a little bit though." Obi had some of his allowance from the Jedi saved,
he had not had anything to spend it on in a long time.
"It's not that, Obi. Well, it is that, partially. I mean, it's hard enough to
buy enough food to feed your brother and myself, even with some extra money I
don't know if I could afford to buy any from anyone else. Plus..."
"Plus?"
"Well, you'd find out sooner or later. I'm going to have another baby. So right
now food and money is stretched extremely tight - I couldn't even let your aunt
Diewq stay here last month and she offered the same. I'm sorry, please give your
friend my apologies. Things are just too tight around here. Plus the apartment
is barely big enough for Owen and myself, there's nowhere for him to sleep."
"Oh. Oh, that's ok, Mother. I hadn't offered it to him yet. It was just an idea
I had. I thought I would get your input first."
"Oh, that's good, dear. I'm sorry it won't work out."
"Don't - don't worry. I, I have to go now."
"Ok, good bye then Obi."
"Goodbye Mother. Say hello to Owen for me, please."
"I will."
"I love you Mother." Just as Obi finished saying these words, there was a crash
in the background.
"Owen! Owen, what are you doing? Oh for goodness sake." She was very distracted
and didn't respond to his declaration of love. "Oh, good bye Obi!" She clicked
off the holocom and went to find her other son.
Obi stared at the monitor desolately. He now felt truly completely and utterly
alone. He heard the bell chime for dinner but realized that he just couldn't bear
to sit in the dining hall alone for another night. He couldn't bear to run into
the Council members, just as he always did, and hear their contempt for him. He
couldn't bear to see the other Masters and know that he would never be trained.
He couldn't bear to be alone anymore, so very, very alone. He felt cold inside
all the time. Not even the Force could warm him. So he made his decision.
He sent all his available funds to his mother and Owen. Then he dressed in his
finest Jedi robes and lay his severed braid on top of the rock on his desk. He
kneeled on his meditation mat and tried to enter into meditation, but just as
it had been for the past two weeks, he was unable to find his center. He tried
and tried and finally gave up. ‘It must be the will of the Force, this decision
must be the right one.'
He then picked up his lightsaber, held the end over his heart, and powered it
up. Death was instantaneous.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the hallway, Qui-Gon Jinn faltered in his steps. He was finally back from his
mission and was eager to see his student, to reclaim him as his padawan. He felt
a wrongness in the Force, a great misery, then nothing, and he rushed to open
Obi's door. When the door opened fully, all he saw was a set of Jedi robes with
a scorch mark through the heart and a lightsaber lying on top of the pile.
END