It really was a beautiful day.
It had been a very long time since he'd been someplace like this,
surrounded by the crisp sweetness of freshly mown grass, laced with
the delicate aroma of flowers. Esthar was a fascinating place to
live but most of its flowers had to be bought in a plastic-wrapped
bouquet, not just found bursting through the soil in a determined
reach for the sun.
It was shame that he couldn't really enjoy it. Not for the first
time that week he had a desperate urge for a cigarette. Or two. Or a
maybe a carton. He'd quit smoking years ago but the craving always
returned when he was stressed, to itch in restless fingers that
searched absently in pockets for cigarettes that weren't there.
Stress didn't even begin to describe this week. A temporary insanity
plea might cover it better, if he ever managed to dig up the nerve
to mention it to anyone. Like he was about to right now.
This wasn't a conversation he was looking forward to.
Taking a deep breath, Laguna let it out slowly, wishing again for a
brief lungful of caustic tobacco before he finally stepped forward,
nervously twisting the gold band around his finger.
"Sorry it took me so long to visit, but, better late than never,
eh?" he laughed a little, cringing at the brittle sound of it. "You
know, the people here haven't lightened up much over the years. They
still don't like me. At first, I didn't even think they were going
to tell me where you were."
He fell silent, uncertainly glancing back at the village. No one was
even in sight, much less nearby. Shifting, he crouched down in front
the headstone, not much more than a plaque placed into the earth,
and silently traced the letters carved in it with his eyes.
Raine Loire. Nothing more.
For all its simplicity, it really was a lovely memorial, delicate
hues of pink and blue winding through the gray of the stone. It
suited the caring woman it represented. He wondered who in the
village had done this, all of them, perhaps. They'd all loved her.
It was hard for Laguna to imagine anyone not loving her.
"I suppose you know why I'm really here," he started hesitantly, "I
mean, not that I wouldn't have come anyway. I wanted to come before
but things kind of happened and I just sort of..."
He trailed off, sighing irritably as he plucked absently at blades
of grass with his fingertips. "I didn't really expect this to be so
awkward. You were always someone I could talk to." Ducking his head
he rubbed his temples tiredly. "Then again, this wasn't something I
ever thought I'd be talking to you about."
"I guess I have a lot of thing to apologize to you for. I'm sorry I
wasn't here when you needed me, and I'm sorry I didn't take care of
Ellone like I promised and I..." He stopped again, words thick and
painful in his throat.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "But how could I tell him no? He was
right, you know. We all thought they were going to die."
Nothing but the wind answered him, lifting wisps of his hair to
dance across his cheeks. He pushed it back impatiently, tucking long
strands behind his ears. "All right, I wanted it too. I didn't mean
to, I didn't want to. I promise you it'll never happen again." He
gave a bitter chuckle. "I doubt after I tell him the truth he'll
feel like visiting me much."
He sighed heavily, tilting his head back to study the white puffs of
cloud scattered through the blue of the sky. "Anyway, I guess I just
wanted you to know that. I mean, that I'm sorry. For everything.
I..."
"Uncle Laguna!"
Laguna startled, losing his balance and falling back into the grass.
He turned in the direction of the shout to see Ellone running
towards him, Ward and Kiros standing back and watching indulgently
as she threw herself at Laguna, wrapping her arms around his neck.
He caught her automatically, even as all the air was pushed forcibly
from his lungs by her enthusiasm.
"Take it easy on the old man, squirt," he wheezed and she laughed
sweetly, tightening her arms as she gave him a loud, smacking kiss
on the cheek. Laguna froze, terror gibbering in the back of his
head, and Gods, he'd already fucked his son, what might he do to his
adopted daughter? How far could that sickness go, and he would kill
himself before he ever touched her, he swore he would...
But there was no spark of heat. Ellone was warm and smelled sweet
but there was no rush of temptation, no matter how twisted and
wrong, and Laguna hugged her back gratefully, relieved that whatever
had possessed him to allow Squall to do...that...hadn't ruined this
for him as well.
Ellone finally pulled away, her eyes shining into Laguna's, until
they flicked away to see what was behind him. She stilled, her hands
going lax on Laguna's shoulders and he wrapped his arms around her
again, trying to offer what comfort he could.
"I haven't been here in years," she whispered and she ducked her
head a moment before rubbing her cheeks briskly with the back of her
hand. Laguna's heart ached to see it; she'd had to be so brave over
the years, had to grow up far too fast if even now she wouldn't
allow herself a few tears at the grave of her adopted mother.
So lost in the depths of his grief he almost missed her next words.
"...Squall here."
He blinked, brow furrowing. "What did you say?"
"I said we'll have to bring Squall here," she repeated solemnly. "I
mean, he's already met you, I think he should meet his mother as
well. I was talking to him about it earlier today and..."
She squawked in surprise as Laguna abruptly dumped her off his lap
onto the ground, jumping to his feet only to stand there awkwardly,
running a hand over his face.
"I think...I need to get back to Esthar," he said finally. He knelt
back down and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek, while she blinked
at him in confusion. "Remember, no matter what, that I love you,
Ellone," he said seriously, cupping her cheek in his palm before he
stood and walked quickly away, leaving her to stare after him and
wonder what she'd done wrong.
**
Some weeks later...
It seemed like no matter how much work he got done, there always
seemed to be something else that urgently needed his attention.
Blowing his breath out irritably, Laguna looked through yet another
stack of papers for the form he needed. In a final act of rebellion,
the entire pile slid off his desk in one giant mass before turning
into a miniature hurricane of colored paper.
Swearing under his breath, Laguna conceded the war and submitted
himself to the indignity of crawling around on his hands and knees
to gather them back up. From beneath the desk he heard the door open
and someone walking in.
"Kiros, is that you? Do you know what I did with the..." Moving to
stand, Laguna managed to bang his head on the one open desk drawer
hard enough to see stars. The volume of his swearing increased
considerably as he sat back down and rubbed what was probably going
to be a nice sized bump on his head.
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I..." His voice trailed off as he glanced up at the young man
standing in front of him.
Dressed in ordinary jeans and a t-shirt, oddly wearing black gloves,
and being stripped of his coat and the reams of ammo he usually
toted around made Squall looked so much younger, more like the child
he'd never gotten to be, and Laguna felt a fresh twist of nausea
curl tightly into his stomach.
Squall jammed his hands into his pockets and leaned against the desk
before he spoke. "I would have been here sooner, but there were
things I needed to see to before I could come." He picked up one of
the loose papers on the desk and looked at it disinterestedly as
Laguna stared up at him from the floor. "You left," Squall added
pointedly, tossing the paper back in the direction of the desk.
Laguna watched numbly as it floated downward to land silently with
its companions.
"I..." he started, and then words failed him. Laguna climbed to his
feet, letting the papers he'd collected sift through his fingers and
back to the floor. "Yeah, I did," he said, weakly, not knowing what
else to say. What else was there to say to the son he'd never known,
who'd fucked him raw hardly a day after meeting him face to face.
Somehow he doubted he would find the proper approach in any
etiquette book there was.
Squall was silent, ice blue eyes regarding Laguna evenly, and it was
that unnerving silence that finally pushed him to speak again.
"Yes, I left," Laguna repeated, clearly. "I didn't exactly know what
to say! I mean...this is..." He ran a hand roughly through his hair,
wincing as tiny strands crackled and broke beneath the onslaught.
"I'm your father," he said finally, uselessly.
Squall nodded slowly and still said nothing, and in a second Laguna
was sure he was going to faint or scream or something, just so
Squall would stop staring at him like that, like...like...just
-something-, and he might just have if Squall hadn't chosen that
moment to finally break the silence.
"Did you know? That night," he clarified, like Laguna needed any
explanation of exactly what night he was talking about. Suddenly he
couldn't stand to look at him anymore and he started digging through
his desk, busied himself looking in the drawers for a pen so he
could sign these fucking papers and just go somewhere else, anywhere
else so long as nobody was there looking at him.
"Did you?"
And wasn't there a damned pen anywhere in this whole fucking desk?
In two strides Squall was next to him, grabbing him and pushing him
against the wall, hard enough that the desk chair was shoved aside
and knocked over.
"Did you?" Squall repeated, watching Laguna intently, searching his
face with those eyes like hers (no, not like hers, not at all) and
waiting for him to say something.
Laguna closed his eyes, the better not to watch Squall watching him.
Listened to the low hum of the wheels on the chair spinning lazily
until they finally stopped and all he could hear was Squall
breathing. "Yes, I knew," he finally whispered, hoarsely. "Is that
what you wanted to hear? Ellone told me."
"Yes," Squall said, just as softly before kissing him, his tongue
pushing its way past Laguna's startled lips to lick ticklishly
against his palate. It was a credit to Laguna that, in his shock, he
didn't accidentally bite it off. The fact that he half-responded
before pulling violently away didn't speak as well for him.
"Are you insane?!" he sputtered, squirming in Squall's grip in a
rather unsuccessful attempt at escape.
"It didn't bother you before," Squall pointed out, apparently
unruffled by Laguna's protest.
"That was different! You didn't know!"
"You did. And what does it really matter? We happen to share a
little genetic code."
"You know, there is a reason that incest is frowned upon in our fine
society," Laguna snapped, hardly able to believe that this
conversation could even exist outside a very odd dream.
"Afraid I'm going to get you pregnant?"
Laguna's mouth dropped open as he stared at Squall. "Is that
supposed to be a joke?" He would have bet a fleet of airships that
Squall didn't even have sense of humor. At Squall's raised eyebrow
he shook his head, saying, "Of course not, but this goes a bit
deeper than sharing genetic code! Do you really think they'll keep
you as Commander at the Garden when you're sleeping with your
father?"
"So?"
Laguna squeaked, a highly embarrassing sound as Squall nuzzled his
ear, his tongue flicking against the sensitive lobe before he
whispered, "They can kick me out of the Garden. I don't really care.
And I happen to recall that becoming President wasn't something you
actually tried to do."
There had to be a reasonable argument to that, and Laguna was going
to think of it as soon as he made Squall let him go and who would
have guessed he'd be such a letch? Kissing a path lower, Squall
sucked firmly on the skin at the crook of Laguna's neck and
shoulder, drawing blood to the surface to mark the pale skin and
Laguna shuddered, hands scrabbling desperately over Squall's
shoulders, distractedly noting the firm play of muscle beneath the
thin shirt.
"Why the hell are you doing this?" Laguna hissed, hands tightening
as Squall's own fingers plucked the buttons on his shirt free
neatly. "You hardly know me!"
"You were a moron when you were younger," Squall observed, his
breath a heated, moist touch on the older man's chest as he dipped
his head to nibble gently at the newly exposed skin. "Not much has
changed, has it?"
"Hey!" Laguna sputtered indignantly, the words blending into a moan
as Squall drew a dusky-tipped nipple into his mouth and sucked,
flicking his tongue over the tightening nub.
"You're a moron," Squall repeated, words muffled against Laguna's
skin. "A moron that looks good, that tastes good...smells good. And
who I'm going to bend over this desk and fuck. Right now."
"Oh, Gods," Laguna said weakly. This was wrong, no matter what
Squall said. This couldn't, shouldn't, happen. And yet, why was he
letting it? Letting Squall tug him away from the wall and push him
over the desk, following his quiet promise to the letter as stepped
between Laguna's parted legs and leaned over him, rubbing his
hardened shaft against the older man's backside.
So much like the last time, like being trapped in the swamping
depths of a dream in which he had no control, no words to offer
protest, and Squall wasn't even bothering to strip his clothing away
completely, his pants were down around his ankles, his shirt pushed
up with Squall's warm hands stroking insistently, hot lips at the
small of his back and Laguna whimpered incoherently.
Papers scattering and crumpling beneath him, the edge of the desk
was biting uncomfortably into his hips, and Laguna promptly forgot
any tiny discomfort as soft kidskin brushed against his thigh,
moving stealthy to wrap around him.
"You're forgetting that several times, I -was- you," Squall
murmured, as if in answer to Laguna sudden, choked off moans. "As to
why I want this...well, you want it too. Don't you."
Not a question and it was just as well, since Laguna had no way of
answering it, only managing to think deliriously, 'you wanted it
first', though he couldn't speak it, could hardly make a sound as
Squall shifted behind him, finding just the right angle as he pushed
forward and slid inside in one smooth thrust.
Laguna caught his breath, tensing unwilling at the sudden burn of
pain and another stack of papers was shoved off the desk as he flung
one arm out to catch the edge of the desk, gripping it tightly.
A gloved hand cupped his chin firmly, forcing his head to tilt back
until Squall could suck on the skin of his neck. "Shhhh," he
murmured, breath catching raggedly, "Just relax...you'll like this,
you know you will."
Laguna couldn't have denied that truth had he wanted to, shook his
head anyway in something that wasn't quite denial and was lost as
Squall shifted back, withdrawing slightly before coming back in, a
little harder, rocking his way deeply inside and each thrust was a
different kind of exquisite, a slightly different angle, an abstract
pattern of slow thrusts and unbearable pauses, until Laguna was
writhing against the desk, pleading incoherently and wherever Squall
had gotten his self-control, Laguna knew it sure as fuck wasn't from
him.
Dimly, Laguna heard soft, desperate noises, sounds that spoke of
pleasure, and need, and just realizing that Squall was the one
making them was enough to drive him over the edge, coming in a hard
spasm as he slumped over the desk, Squall's cries increasing
steadily in volume as he pushed inside a final time, shuddering as
he gave over to ecstasy and lowered himself shakily to lay on
Laguna's damp back.
The desk was getting to be more than uncomfortable as a place to be
lying when Squall finally pulled away and stood, the sound of his
zipper in the quiet room all the incentive Laguna need to tug his
own pants back into place, his discomfort growing with every passing
moment as he turned around.
Squall was standing close enough that Laguna drew back a little in
surprise, not quite far enough to avoid the younger man's mouth as
it closed over his own, with nothing more than a touching of lips in
a moment of gentle warmth before Squall turned walked out without
saying a word, leaving the President of Esthar leaning bonelessly
against his desk in rumpled clothes that were starting to stick
rather uncomfortably to certain parts of his body.
Laguna touched a finger to his lips, wonderingly, before he shook
himself mentally and looked in bemusement at the disaster that had
once been his office. He should clean up quickly and start getting
his paperwork in to some semblance of order again, before someone
came in. He did have a little bit of an image to uphold and he'd
been celibate so long Kiros would probably have heart failure if he
saw him like this.
He glanced at the bathroom, looked at the mess on his desk, and
sighed.
"Oh, fuck it."
Sidestepping the worst of the mess, Laguna made his way to the front
of the desk and rummaged through various drawers before finally
finding a pack of cigarettes. Another few minutes of searching
turned up a few matches. He'd quit smoking six years ago and the
cigarettes were probably stale to the point of being disgusting.
Laguna lit one anyway, taking a long drag off it, the tip glowing
cherry red as he inhaled, holding the smoke in his lungs briefly
before coughing it back out in a pale cloud.
"I'm going to end up in Hell over this," he announced to the empty
room. "Hell or the loony bin, whichever is closer."
**
Beautiful days seemed to be in abundance in Winhill, Laguna noted
absently. He wondered where they'd all been when he'd lived here.
Apparently even the weather here liked it better with him gone.
He settled down on the grass next to the small grave, looking at his
hands. "Yeah, I know I was just here last week. And I know I
promised you never again." Laguna chuckled bitterly. "I guess we
both saw how long I kept that promise. Isn't that just like me,
can't keep a promise to save my life. I promised I'd come back to
you too, and we saw how well that turned out.
"I'm sorry. I know what you'd think but I just...I love him. I mean,
I know I'm supposed to love him but I think I'm in love with him
and...well...
"I don't expect you to be all right with this. In fact, if there is
an afterlife I'm sure I'll spend by first thousand years with you
kicking my ass all over it but I can't just...
He broke off, "I never saw him as a baby, Raine, or a kid, or even
as a teenager. I'm not his father; I'm just someone who donated a
few chromosomes to his biology. I don't feel connected to him that
way.
"Anyway. I'm sorry. And I'll understand if you can never forgive me.
And...no matter what or how I feel about him or anybody else, I'll
always love you."
Reaching out, Laguna set his wedding band on the stone, being very
careful not to touch it, as if it might sear his skin. Nearly twenty
years it had sat on his finger, and now the only sign that it had
ever been there was a strip of white around his finger. A few days
in the sun and it would be gone completely.
He wasn't sure what he'd expected. Lightning to strike down from the
clouds or Raine's ghost to suddenly appear, like some kind of raging
banshee to rip his heart out. Something.
He wondered if that would make him feel better about this.
A soft gust of wind that rustled his hair and Laguna closed his
eyes, tilting his head upward to better feel the warmth of the sun,
before he turned away from the silence of the stone and back to
whatever his life might hold for him. He hesitated for just a moment
at the rise of the hill, turning back, and he saw a tiny gleam of
gold shining in the late afternoon sun. He wondered briefly what
would happen to it, if a child might find it and see it as a
curiosity, secreting it away or if the first rainfall would wash it
away to be lost for a century in the dirt. It hardly mattered; he
wouldn't be coming back.
Laguna took a last deep breath of sweet flowers and sun-kissed air
and then he walked away. He didn't look back again.
-finis-
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